Resolutions

1. I will shop at Aldis for staple food, and Waitrose for treats only.
2. I will stay off alcohol in January (apart from the Burns night ceilidh.)
3. I will go to the gym 3 times every week, minimum.
4. I will work on my pokerface (my my my pokerface, my my pokerface...)

Lots going on at the turn of this year. I am going for lunch at one of Marco Pierre White's restuarants tomorrow, then heading down to a cottage in Kent for a few days. Then it's Soozle's wedding on Sunday. I bought a new navy dress, sequined jacket and snakeskin and suede shoes. I have also got myself a hotel room so that I can stay over after the wedding.

I am very at peace with my decision to stop looking for a boyfriend. Somehow the pressure is off. I will be spending the next few days in timberland boots and a fleece. Sexy.

Blessings

Count your garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall.
Count your days by golden hours, don't remember clouds at all.
Count your nights by stars, not shadows.
Count your years with smiles, not tears.
Count your blessings, not your troubles.
Count your age by friends, not years.

It's been a funny old day. I've cried quite a lot, over various things that basically boil down to me feeling inadequate. And that's just no good. I understand why - I'm ill, because I'm run down, because I run about all over the place meeting people and doing things. I have packed my case to go home tomorrow, and I've never wanted to see my family more.

But I am very blessed, because I am healthy, and I've improved my health and fitness a lot in the past 7 months. And I have a lot of lovely friends, who are kind and funny and cheer me up when I am down. And I have a good job, and a lot of fun with my colleagues.

I think 2010 is going to bring a lot of changes. I am looking for a new job, and if I get the one I've applied for, I might even be able to afford my own place. I'm also going to stop actively looking for a boyfriend, I think the universe is has been trying to tell me for a while now that I'm better off on my own.

Not well

I have been in bed for 17 hours. My body aches, as does my head, and my throat is sore. I don't have a temperature, which apparently rules out swine flu, but I think the chances of me making it to the hen night tonight are slim, which I'm really sad about.

My hair is greasy, but I can't summon up the strength to have a bath. I also have no appetite.

I have never made a good patient, I always feel very sorry for myself, particularly about the fact that there is no-one to look after me. I'm due to go home on Monday, so assuming I can make it onto the train, I'll be demanding a lot of tlc from my dear mum.

The problem with wearing your heart on your sleeve

is that it's easily bruised. T has been a bit of a shit, and now I feel like a dickhead. We didn't see each other at work on Friday, but I sent him a quick email, giving him my number and suggesting he call me at the weekend. I then got a text on Sunday night suggesting we go for coffee this week. Not exactly the response I was looking for. I can't believe that after he has flirted so much, he's now giving me the cold shoulder.

It's the office Christmas party tomorrow night. I will be wearing a short turquoise blue dress and very high platform shoes. I will knock his eye out, the rotter.

I think I must come across as too keen when I like someone.

Anyway, I have thrown myself back into exercise - went to the gym yesterday afternoon and tonight after work. 3 parties for the next three nights, plus Soozle's hen night on Saturday. Bring it on!

Well whaddya know...

Turns out my mentee was right, T and I are a couple......

I arrived at the pub after my haircut and highlights, and it was a right laugh. T was full of compliments as usual, telling me that I was looking very glamorous. There were lots of people there, and lots of funny chat. Anyhow, it got late, and T and I were stuck talking to a random guy that neither of us knew, who insisted on coming with us to the tube. I managed to whisper to T "How can we get rid of this guy" which I guess was a fairly big hint that I wanted it to be just him and I. I hadn't had any dinner, so T insisted that he should make some tea and toast. We got some bread from the shop and walked to T's flat. And he was in the middle of buttering the toast, and he just leant over and kissed me. And then we went up to his room to have our supper. I stayed over, although nothing (much) happened. Which is good. He is so great - tall, and strong, and softly-spoken, and kind.

So we'll see what happens.

Cooler than the red dress

So today I wore my slinky red dress to work, and as an afterthought I put a £1.50 primark scarf round my neck. Well! I got more comments about the scarf than anything. But I always think it's better to look good and therefore feel good. Perhaps I'd better stop eating monster munch crisps. I DO NOT want to put the weight back on.

Tomorrow is my haircut and mentee's leaving do. She's invited T and I (I think she thinks we're a couple.) It's all awkward as arse.

Right or wrong

I always do the right thing. I weigh up all the pros and cons, and worry what everyone else thinks, and then I do the right thing, the safe thing, the easy thing.

Right now, I feel like doing the wrong thing. Where's the harm in that?

All these things happened today

-I slept in for work.
-M made me cry with laughter at an email he'd sent.
- I anointed myself Elf-In-Chief for the Secret Santa draw
-I flirted massively with the new marketing guy. (He's gorgeous)
-I got stopped by a random man in the street. He said "Excuse me" and I stopped because I thought he needed directions, but then he asked where I was going and when I said "why" he said I was very attractive. I burst out laughing and walked away but was secretly chuffed.
- I had Dim Sum.
- The waiter accidentally spilt a drink down my back.
- I got £10 deducted from the bill.
- I had more drinks in the National Film Theatre Bar.

Not a bad Friday as they go.

It's beginning to feel a lot like...

CHRISTMAS!!! YEY!!

I went iceskating at Somerset House tonight. No broken bones or egos, always a bonus. I was so knackered afterwards that I didn't make it to the pub quiz (I actually fell asleep on the bus home.) Now of course I'm wide awake. I have spent the evening Chrimbo shopping on tinternet. (Does buying underwear for myself on Figleaves count?) I also bought Soozle's wedding present - a very snazzy kettle.

Another busy weekend beckons - Dim Sum at Ping Pong tomorrow night, then pilates (of course) on Saturday, and then I'm babysitting little G on Saturday night. She is an absolute darling girl, never happier than when trying on high heels and lipgloss. I'm going to miss her (and her mum) when they move to Italy.

Project "Get a boyfriend" is not going at all well. 5 dates, one of which was a no-show, 3 of whom were dullards, and 1 of whom was great but stopped texting. My membership of the site runs out next week and I won't be renewing. Honest to God, I had much more luck with men when I was a fatty. There is no justice in the world.

Bad memory

I have a really bad memory. I forget events and conversations, especially when I've been drinking. So tonight I was at a work event, and I had to have dinner with some randoms. And I am quite good at making smalltalk. I can chat shit with the best of them. But it turns out that I'd met one of them before, at a meeting I'd chaired about 8 months ago. I had forgotten. He had not. He said that he'd been really impressed by how incisive I'd been about the issues. That is the nicest thing. I do not regard myself as incisive. But I'm sure as hell telling my new boss that's what a "key stakeholder" said about me. Hell yeah.

I'm going iceskating with my team tomorrow. As for the pub quiz, I figure I'll probably rock up to the pub and hang out with T, and have a laugh, whereupon nothing will happen. And that's just fine with me.

John Simmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I really fancy John Simm. I saw him in a play tonight, which was ace. Also, rather excitingly, I was sitting 2 seats away from John Sessions in the audience. (Who is an obscure Scottish actor/comedian.)

I fancy lots of Scots actors - including - Peter Capaldi, Joe McFadden, David Tennant (obviously) Robert Carlyle, and Gerard Butler (gorgeous). There's nothing better than a gruff Scottish accent and a look in the eye which suggests devilment is more than a possibility, it's guaranteed. I'm going home on the 21st December, booked my ticket today - Bring on the boys!!!

I bought T a really tacky keyring to make him laugh over the key debacle. It was a hideous plastic doll with a union jack and fluffy red hair. He put it on his belt in the office bless him. He wandered over to my desk and we had a good old chat and I didn't even get flustered. He told me that he's organising a pub quiz on Thursday and I made him tell me some of the questions (and answers.) Now the question is, should I rock up at the pub? The thing is, I really like hanging out with him and we have a laugh together, and he's really chilled out. But I don't think I fancy him. I just think he'd be a really good mate. Bugger.

How to get yourself talked about

So, my mentee, who I've been coaching for job interviews, got a great new job. So we went out for a drink after work last night to celebrate. And it was lots of fun, and T turned up. (He's not stalking me, his team were in the pub as well.) And we had a right laugh in the pub, talking nonsense about favourite vegetables and reindeer. And for some reason, (I can't really remember why), he was waving about his keys, which I then whipped out of his hand and pretended I wasn't going to give them back, which included putting them in my handbag. Of course, I gave them back to him later.

Anyway, I ran into him at work today, just next to my desk, and he said (rather more loudly than necessary) that one of his keys wasn't on his keyring, and was it possible that it was in my bag? I checked and of course it was, so I went over to his desk and left it there. And now everyone in my team (and his team) thinks that we're sleeping together. And we haven't as much as kissed.

6 impossible things before breakfast

So today I was asked to do 3 improbable and incredibly stupid things. I cannot keep a straight face when faced with such madness. I rant, I rave, I laugh, loudly, about the inbecility of the questioner. That is not a successful strategy. Neither is remaining stony-faced when asked to wax lyrical about something I think is a piece of crap.

So my best strategy is devising an exit strategy, and fast.

I went out with a work colleague, M, for 2 glasses of wine after work. I do not fancy him, and I don't think he fancies me either, which is great, as I just enjoy having a giggle with him, talking crap and moaning about work. The best thing about him is that when he sent me an email setting out how he was going to chase someone on a request, I replied saying "I assume you mean in a Benny Hill style chase" and we then spent the whole day emailing increasingly funny scenarios of how that might pan out. And making one another splutter at our screens, although we sit about 3 feet apart. Boys are funnier than girls. Fact.

At the mercy of oestrogen.

I am not in charge of my life. My hormones are in charge of me. It's like an alien comes and sits on my shoulder and whispers poison in my ear. And I can't rationalise it. When I feel really low I can't accept that that isn't exactly how I deserve to feel.

I used to take the pill, primarily because I had terrible acne. And I had real lows - lows where you can't get out of bed, and are downright nasty to people you love. But now I know that wasn't me. I stopped taking it about 2 years ago and have been pretty much a different person. I still get spots, but quite frankly I'd rather have bad skin than a bad attitude.

But I still get sad, but whereas I used to inflict that on others, I just turn it on myself. But that's just as destructive.

Something's gotta give

I'm so bored. The last time I was this bored I changed cities.

Take That rock

I've just finished watching the Children in Need concert. Take That rocked the casbah, duetting with Lily Allen and Paul McCartney. Cheryl Cole also duetted with Snow Patrol, and was amazingly good. I really want to learn the dance she does to "Fight for this love" although I don't want to wear the harem pants....

I went to pilates this evening, and Paul said I am VERY GOOD. This makes me feel very smug. If I can get a waistline like his I'll be happy (it's like a 12 year old girl's......)

Minor pitstop

At the weekend I seriously contemplated phoning in sick to work for the week. I got over that slump, but I have decided to take tomorrow off as flexi/mental health day.

I used to love my job so much, but a few things have happened recently which make it much less exciting. I feel a bit like someone who's pushed a big stone to the top of a big hill and is now asking "Why the bloody hell did I do that?"

I'm going to push on through to Christmas and then re-evaluate. Out of everything I did today, the thing I most enjoyed was asking awkward questions of senior people on disability discrimination. I'm a bit worried that I might want to become a social worker. And everyone knows how annoying they are.

Too subtle

Ok, here's the thing. All of my female friends, or at least, those whose opinion really matters to me, tell me that I am too judgemental, too picky, too hasty, with men. And I can see where they're coming from, but I honestly think that there is not one boy I've been out with and broken up with that they would have been happy to see me with in the long term.

So they'll probably give me shit for writing off L, who I met for a drink tonight. But here are my reasons:

1. I did not find him attractive.
2. He did not say anything even mildly amusing in the 2 hours I spent with him tonight.

If that means I'm too picky then quite frankly I'm happy to die along and by gnawed by alsatians.
But I must be too nice as L has already texted me and invited me out again. What part of me making excuses to go home at 9.45 did he not understand?

Exercise is the answer

I dragged my sorry self to the gym yesterday and did 20 lengths, in the medium lane. Yes, I'm too swift for the slow lane anymore, oh yes! So I felt lots better after that. I also went swimming after work tonight, then cooked myself a lovely low fat curry with butternut squash brown rice. Yumster.

Boy update - Jay did finally reply to my text message, reiterating he's really busy at work but will call me later in the week. I'm not holding my breath. However, I do have another date with a different boy (L) tomorrow night, so I'm going to vamp it up in my very high boots and my very tight red dress. Well no point busting my ass at the gym if I can't show it off now and again.

I've been very surprised by the news that Belle De Jour is a woman and was actually a call girl. I was convinced it was written by a man, or at least by a woman writer with a very active imagination. Just goes to show, it is possible to be confounded in this cynical old world.

Doldrumville

Yesterday I stayed home all day and watched the entire series 1 of Dexter (I bought the box set.) I got really, really depressed, which is not entirely surprising, given that it's a show about an amoral serial killer. And I haven't left the house yet today (other than skulking to the shop for the Sunday papers in pyjamas and a coat).

I think I'm sad because I had my second date with Jay on Friday and it all went a bit Pete Tong. We had a drink before going to the cinema, and up to that point it was all good - holding hands in the cinema, and a bit of snogging at the end. But when we came out it was all a bit weird. After trying and failing to find a late night bar, it started to rain and he suggested that he walk me to the bus stop. And the walk was a bit awkward. I felt like I was being frogmarched. We did snog a bit at the bus stop, but then he gabbled something about work being busy this weekend and that maybe we could go out again next week or the week after. So I don't really know what's going on. And he hasn't texted me or anything since.

Also, Sundays when you're single are really, really crap. It's no fun doing things on your own.
Oh well, at least Doctor Who is on tonight. Rock. On.

Date update

Well, as Sod, Murphy or whoever you believe in would have it, tonight's date was a total triumph! He's a working class boy made good, attractive, funny AND fancies the arse off me. Result!! We're going out again on Friday (he made sure of it.) YAY!!!!

(And I do appreciate what Sparkling Choices says about not relying on other people to make you happy. But sometimes it's nice when someone else shows an interest. But I know that it's up to me to make myself a good life.)

Hugging

I have never been a touchy-feely person, but I find myself giving hugs and getting hugs more and more these days. I hugged our admin worker the other day when she told me about her cats getting scared by the fireworks. I hugged my friend S when she was having a bad day at work the other day. And in some kind of hugging karma I got one back today, when a colleague at work (from a completely different part of the building) walked round to hug me after I'd sent an email to him venting about something or other. What a sweetie he is.

I have a date tomorrow off' tinternet. I'm completely not excited by it. If he turns out not to be a complete knobber then that will be a turn up for the books.

I accidently spent Friday night in the company of T (boy who said I was gorgeous the other week). Yes, he "turned up" again. And I did enjoy my evening, we talked random bollocks and got drunk together. And I hugged him goodbye and told him I'd had a really fun evening. BUT I'm not sure that I fancy him. And the spark has got to be there, hasn't it? Or maybe I should take Michelle Obama's advice:

"Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long and then it's: "Who are you as a person?"
That's the advice I would give to women - don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole."

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

I am so stupid. I really really am. I'm so embarrassed I can't even blog about it properly.
I feel like the stupidist stupid person in Stupidland.

I always pick the wrong 'uns.

Perspective

When I was at high school, I used to be able to see the train line to Glasgow (when I was on the fourth floor.) And I used to think - then my life will begin.

And then I went to university in Glasgow. And it was great, and I really loved learning about Milton and Spenser, and Shakespeare, and renaissance and romantic era poetry. But I was still a child.

And then I moved to Edinburgh, and I had a not very interesting job, but I learned about sharing a flat, and I learned to drive. And I thought, when I move to London, then my life will begin.

And then I moved to London. And I lost weight, and I gained it. And I lost it again, and I gained it. And now, for the third time, I've lost it again. I hope I've changed for good this time. And in the last 7 years I have changed in massive ways - in terms of moral values, confidence and general perspective on life. I am much more confident, but I still have no clue how my life will turn out. Ideally, I'd move to New York and have a fantastic time.

I think I'm an adult now. But maybe when I'm 40 I'll look back and think "Oh, I didn't know anything then." My mum tells me that sometimes she has nightmares where she wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks she's old. And then she realises that she is actually 60. (Even though she looks fabulous and looks about 45.) Apparently when I was 13 I said something that really resonated with my mum and which she quotes back to me when I'm being craptastic:

"This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is life."

So I'm ready for my close-up, Mr De Mille. I just need to decide what the storyline of the movie of my life is.

Instant karma's gonna getcha

I have sometimes blogged about a colleague who is a massive pain in the arse and is rude and obstructive to me. Well, today she has managed to piss off the wrong person and has been reported to a senior manager for her behaviour. This was the best news I've heard in years. I actually skipped down the road on my way home!!!

What I think about when I think about swimming

I did another 30 lengths in the pool today. It's getting easier, I could probably have done a few more to be honest. I even look the part now, with a new swimsuit and goggles. What I like most about swimming is that I zone out. I just get into the rhythm and go with it.

I re-read Murakami's memoir "What I think about when I think about running" today. That book really speaks to me, I completely identify with the things he says. For example:

"The thing is, I'm not much for team sports, that's just the way I am....don't misunderstand me
- I'm not totally uncompetitive. It's just that for some reason I never cared all that much
whether I beat others or lost to them...I'm much more interested in the goals that I set
for myself."

"I'm the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I'm the type of
person who doesn't find it painful to be alone....I've had this tendency ever since I was young,
when, given a choice, I much preferred reading books on my own or concentrating on listening
to music over being with someone else. I could always think of things to do by myself."

I think I've lost sight of myself. I've changed so much in the last 7 years since I moved to London. I've gone from introvert to extrovert, passive-aggressive to ranty, always worried about what other people think of me to not giving a rat's arse. But every so often I get exhausted by being so "up". And then I get really down.

What would make me really happy? A stack of books, a window seat, and someone to love. I've got the first two. And I'm working on the third.

Chilli frenzy

I was food shopping in Waitrose today and I got this inexplicable urge for chilli. So I bought some chillis, some chilli sauce and some chilli-flavoured Ryvita snacks (crisps substitute). Weird. So I'll be eating chilli-flavoured food for the foreseeable future.

I did 30 lengths at the pool. I am REALLY proud of myself -that's the most I've ever swum in one session. I even took to thinking about my breathing and swimming style. I think the next step will be to buy a swimming costume. Don't get me wrong, I don't swim naked, I wear a bikini. Once I get paid I'll buy a swanky Speedo one and a pair of goggles.

Talking of nakedness, I get astounded by how some women wander around the gym changing room starkers. There was a girl just in a bra and thong drying her hair this afternoon, and another one completely naked standing in the middle of the room slowly drying herself. Don't get me wrong, I expect a certain amount of nakedness in the changing room, but my approach is to minimise that by getting dressed as soon as is practically possible. Not to parade around showing my bikini wax to all and sundry. Takes all sorts I suppose.

I went to a Brazilian restaurant last night, which was completely brilliant. There was a live band, drumming and capoeria. We were dancing on the benches! I'll definitely be back. I kissed a boy, which was really fun. We had a good ol' snog for ages. Yum.

Bye lovely lovely boss

It was my lovely lovely boss' leaving do last night. We got her some lovely presents and told some outrageous anecdotes for her leaving speech. Loads of people came, both past and present team members. She is so great all the time, but especially when she's drunk!!! I will really miss her, and told her so, several times.

There is a guy, T, who is not in my team but always seems to be there or thereabouts when we have a night out. He came over to talk to me last night just after I'd been told that I had lipstick on my teeth and I was ranting (as I do) about people not telling you about such things and out of nowhere he said "You look gorgeous." I was flummoxed and decided to keep talking just as if he hadn't said anything. That was the boldest thing he's ever said to me, as he's quite shy (but actually quite sweet.) So watch this space.

In other man-related news, not only did RW phone me out of the blue this week, but another ex, P, sent me an email. I still have immense guilt over this man as I said one of the worst things you can ever say to a man, at one of the worst times you can say it. He was so crushed I felt like the biggest bitch on earth. We limped on for a few weeks but I just felt so guilty all the time that it couldn't have lasted. I haven't replied to his email, as I think that no good can come of us being in touch again.

Being stood up this week was truly awful (although maybe it's karma for being rude to P) but I'm trying to stay positive. I've got a date on Wednesday with an Irishman, and I've also sent an email to a supercute guy I saw on the site this morning. So we'll see.

Stranded at the drive-in..branded a fool

I got stood up by Jez. I waited 20 minutes, realised he wasn't coming, then left. It's hard at times like this not to give up completely. I've sent him a text which says - "That's bad manners. A simple text to say you couldn't make it would have sufficed." He hasn't replied.

Whywhywhywhywhy are some men such arseholes?

Idiot behaviour

I was at 2 parties last night - one was in Clapham and one was in Angel. And I drank a fair bit throughout the night, leaving Angel at just before midnight. And I got home at 2.00, because I got on the wrong bus, twice, and ended up in the wrong part of South London. I ended up getting a cab because I was so lost. That's just flipping stupid behaviour. I also have a cut on my hand and a bruise on my leg, so I surmise that I fell over at some point. What an idiot.

I am meeting Jez from the dating website on Wednesday. I think he's a lawyer, and his emails are pretty funny. So we'll see. I MUST NOT GET DRUNK.

My ex-boyfriend RW rang me today to ask if I would help him with his CV. I reckon he's seen from Facebook that I've lost weight. But there's no way I'm getting back with him. He managed to annoy me within about 5 minutes of being on the phone.

Pokerface

One of my "development areas" (which means weaknesses) at work is that I am too easy to read and I need to develop a pokerface. I think that's a criticism of my personality more than anything, but that's another post.

Anyway, the point is, I spectacularly failed to display a poker face when I went on a work social tonight to the theatre. Now, I like the theatre. I really enjoy going to see plays. Unfortunately what we went to see tonight was "avant-garde theatre" - which I now understand means theatre with no theme, characterisation, understandable dialogue or point. So I walked out. I walked out and left my colleagues in there because I thought it was pretentious bollocks masquerading as art. Someone with a pokerface would have stayed and said "Oh I thought they needed to develop the deconstructive elements more." I just fucking bailed because it was shit. And what annoys me is that tomorrow they'll all poke fun at me. But essentially it's the emperors new clothes. And it was so awful I couldn't bear it. I actually cried with anger on the bus home. There are so many fantastic plays and ideas and actors out there. And I paid £22 for a pile of wank.

Sorted

I have just sorted out my finances. So in addition to my cash ISA for the short term and my pension for the long term I now have a stocks and shares ISA for the medium term. I also have a monthly budget for my disposable income (after food and travel costs), which is £950 per month. I get to spend this on going out, clothes and shoes, toiletries, books and magazines, haircuts, contact lenses plus other people's birthdays etc. That is a lot of money. It's actually more than my first proper monthly salary after tax (in 2000), which was about £900. That's mental.

I do appreciate that I am fortunate to earn a good salary, given that around a third of households in the UK have an annual income of around £16000. I certainly never expected to be earning the amount that I do at my age, and it was never what motivated me. What it has done is enabled me to help out my family, which I am really happy about.

X Factor dramarama

I bloody love X factor. This year's live rounds started last night. I had the girls round for a "winter warmer" - casserole, real baked potatoes and wine (of course). It was a blinder of a show - I particularly loved Olly, Stacey and Joe.

I have had a few nice messages from the men on the dating site, so that's really good.
I went for a swim this afternoon -20 lengths. I want to get back into the gym and lose the few remaining pounds.

I got into a new singer today - her song was on in a shop and I asked who it was. She's called Sarah Blasko and she's Australian. I think she's ace - what do you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YnX3zbk6ss

Food glorious food

Brighter day today (thank goodness and thanks for the kind comments). I went to the "skinny jeans workout" at the gym, which involved a lot of lunges. But it was enjoyable nonetheless.

I've also signed up to an online dating site, and hopefully not made myself sound too much of a lunatic. So we'll see what happens.

It's my lovely lovely boss's last day at work tomorrow. I've got a card and I need to think of something fantastic to write in it. I was thinking of a poem but that's probably too poncey.

I'm having a mexian standoff with my crazy horse flatmate over emptying the bin. He takes absolutely no responsibility for living here and I've finally flipped. I sort out all the bills, read the meter, buy the washing up liquid and do the mopping and hoovering. And he does NOTHING. He barely even makes the effort to speak to me unless I make all the running in the conversation. And clearly I haven't got the patience for quiet people, they need to make a flipping effort.

Just breathe

I am really really low today. Something I work on that I am very passionate about has been seriously threatened. Added to that, my face and neck are covered in spots, I've put on 4lbs since New York and I am feeling so hungry all the time that I've been eating crisps like they're about to stop growing potatoes.

It's times like this that I want to crawl into my bed and not get out for a few days. And there have been times in the past when I've done just that. And there was a point today when I left my desk, went outside and cried.

But I know that retreating is not the answer, and I've got to face things head on. So I will pack my gym gear and do some exercise tomorrow, be more careful about what I eat, and get a good night's sleep.

Spend spend spend

It's been a while since I posted on here - no particular reason, just had bits and pieces going on. The work event was an absolute triumph and I got huge praise, (the word used was "stellar") but actually it was the fact that the kids loved it so that made me the happiest.

New York was better than I could have imagined. BARACK OBAMA was staying at our hotel. It was completely insane. I hadn't realised that all the world leaders would be at the United Nations. It was amazing. My parents had a ball, they said it was the best holiday they'd ever had, which was so lovely.

I spent a shedload of money in New York, and I spent a shedload more today. But it's my money, I earned it and I can spend it how I like. I bought (deep breath)

A brown tweed DKNY winter coat
Green leather gloves
A black and green trenchcoat
A green scarf
A green handbag and matching purse
A navy blue shirt dress
A black shirt with a ruffle front
Marc Jacobs Lola perfume (actually my mum bought that for me)
Calvin Klein knickers
Make-up from Sephora
Work-out clothes for the gym

And today I bought
the NICEST irregular choice shoes ever (I'll add a photo if I can figure out how)
A blue silk dress
A red Roland Mouret-esque dress
A new suit for work (grey with pink pin-stripe)
A fuschia silk top.

And I still need to buy winter boots....

Cold light of day

Pnnic attack is over, the preparations went well today. It's in the lap of the gods now. I am feeling very smug however as someone quite important told me that this is the best-organised event he's ever seen. It's all downhill from here....

Hilariously, my foot is much better when I wear high heeled shoes, as I did today. I think my body is rejecting efforts to try and make it wear flats and trainers.

Tomorrow (just in case I'm on the telly) I'm going to wear my beige Reiss suit, coral silk top, and my brown suede Moschino shoes. Vain, moi?

Panic attack

I am very very worried that the Big Work Event is going to go wrong. Despite weeks and weeks of planning I can't sleep with about 30 hours to go. There are just so many ways for it to go wrong - things not being delivered on time, people attending saying the wrong thing. Just as well it's not being filmed, oh, wait, yes it is, for a national tv station.

I can't calm down enough to sleep, which means I'll be tired tomorrow, which means I'll be even more flaky and stressed. I actually want to vomit right now.

Sod's law

Back in the bad old days when I was a lazy bugger, one of the many excuses I used for not doing any exercise was that all the people I knew who did it ended up injuring themselves.

After a triumphant 5km run today (43 minutes) my right foot is incredibly painful, to the point where if I stand up and put any weight on it I gasp in pain.

Excellent.

As a consequence, I have instituted ultimate "be nice to self" measures. I had a long bath, a facemask, a snooze and am currently listening to Classic FM.

White van man

So I'm walking down the road on the way to Pilates, and the traffic is moving really slowly because there are some roadworks ahead. There is a white van ahead which is blaring out "She's like the wind", the song from Dirty Dancing from Patrick Swayze. I've got my sunglasses on and am sipping from a bottle of water. As I pass the van I have a bit of a nose to see who is playing their music so loud. The two guys in the van see me do this and they start singing along to the song, really loudly and out of tune. They serenade me all the way down the road, as the traffic is moving at pretty much the same speed I am walking. It is completely mortifying but at the same time hilarious.

Hungover again

I had 4 large glasses of wine last night. Which is a litre. I knew at the time that the 4th glass was a mistake but I was drunk enough to persuade myself I would be fine. I somehow stumbled home, threw up in the bathroom sink and went to bed without dinner. Then I woke up at 6am starving and thirsty, and cursed myself for the millionth time for not having a Brita filter and having to drink dirty London water. Well done me.

On the upside, I am 10 stones 2, but that's probably just because my body is devoid of fluid. Next week is the Big Work Event, which I've been organising since May. Predictably it's all unravelling before my eyes and I spent most of yesterday with my shoulders round my ears going nuts at the stupidity and rudeness of some on the imbeciles in the other Dept. But it will all be fine, I'm sure.

Tomorrow is the 5km run, which I signed up for after watching the marathon this year. I really haven't trained enough but it's too late to worry now. I'm off to pilates again this afternoon with the lovely Paul. He is the campest man I've ever met - and I'm sure he pencils in his eyebrows and he's always pulling up his top to show off his great abs. I love him. :-)

Bank holiday blues

My life is so safe and sorted it's smothering me. A lovely flat, great job, and nice friends are all wonderful things to have and I do appreciate how lucky I am, but it's all just so terribly safe. Amongst the things I have never done are:

- smoked a cigarette
- taken drugs
- been to the Notting Hill carnival
- rode a motorbike
- been fired
- failed an exam
- thrown a tantrum
- punched someone

Perhaps I should apply to be on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square and get naked. It's what everyone else up there seems to be doing.

I'm currently prevaricating about filling in a job application for a really great job. I think I'm reluctant to leave my current one because I know what I'm doing and the team is so great. But I'm pretty sure my boss will be moving on in the autumn and there are no end of pain in the arse people who'll be queuing up to apply for her job. I said to myself I would start the application at 6.00 and it's now 6.50. Ok, I'll start it at 7.00.

I really, really wish I had a boyfriend. I'm really quite lonely a lot of the time, and it would be nice to have someone to hang out with. But until the MASSIVE coldsore on my lip goes down I'm considering myself (temporarily) off the market. The 25 year old has stopped emailing and texting me. I assume he's figured out I'm 32. Oh well. But I haven't been out for a proper night out in London for weeks. I ain't going to meet anyone sitting on my balcony. Except, perhaps, a windowcleaner.

Not dead

...it's just been a bit hectic round gallustowers. I had loads of people staying over and barely had a spare moment. But it's all been quiet and lovely today. I went to pilates, which was so great, I have never loved an exercise class so much. Then I did a bit of shopping, and managed to walk away from a dress, shoes, a skirt and a top. Then I fell by the wayside by buying new underwear and a webcam. That sounds dodgy, but I don't actually plan to be wearing the underwear whilst on the webcam.

There was a man on the bus today who was cutting his nails. It was so gross I almost wanted to vomit. What possesses people to do such a thing? The only acceptable place to cut your nails is in the privacy of your own home. It is not socially acceptable to have nail clippings pinging all over the bus. But I should hardly be surprised. People in London pick their nose on public transport, and fail to realise the importance of deodorant. Yuck.

Only connect

I decided to sponsor a child in Africa and the paperwork came through today. Her name is F and she lives in Niger. I got sent some photos and some background about her village. She's 11 and lives in a house made of unfired mud bricks with a straw roof. She goes to primary school and has access to clean water. I have to write her a letter, I'm not quite sure what to say.

I kissed a boy

..and I liked it. A few small details - he's 27, GORGEOUS, but lives in my home town, which is in Scotland. Dammit. I've stalked him via Facebook, obviously. I know a few of his friends, but there are enough degrees of separation for it not to be too awkward. He's already suggested coming to London to see me, which I think would be fun.

Otherwise I had a great weekend seeing my family and friends. I bought a Primark outfit to go out in as my size 16 dress that I'd stupidly packed was far too big. So I bought £5 black leggings (size 10), a £7 black top (size 12) and a £2 belt. Credit crunch chic! Everyone commented on how skinny I am looking. YEY!

Update: Upon further stalking, I discovered he is 25. Eek. Too young I fear. Shit.

Complaint

Dear *very expensive gym*

I am writing to complain about one of your classes. Calling it "start2step" led me to believe it would suitable for someone who hasn't done a step aerobics class before. And therefore imagine my surprise when it was Fecking Impossible to keep up and full of complicated steps. Please retitle the class "verycomplicatedstep". That is all.

Ahhh

What a lovely night, great friends and conversation, and the food wasn't half bad either :-)

It was great to see A tonight, he was a total legend, coming over early to help me with the salad and veggies. I would have been in a total flap otherwise.

Wash the floors, Cinderella, do the dishes Cinderella

I am cooking dinner for 9 people on Monday. I've decided to do

• cider and mustard chicken,
• red pepper and courgette couscous
• green beans with garlic and proscuitto in balsamic vinegar
• roast butternut squash
• salad

with plums and greek yoghurt for afters. The best bit about it all is that it's all low-fat yet (hopefully) still tasty. The less fun bit about having people over to the flat is that I have to clean the place from top to bottom. I am not a naturally tidy person. I can live with mess, as long as it's my own. Hence there are clothes drying all over the living room, piles of magazines on the floor and random crap pretty much everywhere. So far I've cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, next job is to tidy up the living room and mop the floor. Luckily I'm going out tonight for a picnic and a film (Somerset House again for the premiere of "The Soloist.") so I've got a reward for all the cleaning.

It's not raining men

It finally started to rain tonight, which we really needed after two days of intense mugginess (is that a word?) I went to Reebok reps and used slightly heavier weights, which made it much more difficult. Also the instructor was a man who shouted at us A LOT. I did not enjoy that. I particularly didn't enjoy it when he picked on me to do press ups. Think I'll give him a miss in future, which is for his sake as well as mine really. I can't imagine he'd like having a 5kilo weight between the eyes.

It's been flipping ages since I had a date. Ridiculous really that I was pulling quite regularly when I was heavier yet now I'm losing weight I haven't had a sniff. Not quite sure what I can do about it. I have been going out a fair bit. Tomorrow night I'm going to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant for dinner (it's a special offer) with some friends from work.

Update: It is STILL raining heavily. Another hour or so and I expect to see an ark drifting past my window.

A different life

I feel slightly pole-axed tonight. Don't get me wrong, everything in my life is hunky-dory - work is fine, tied for first place in the pub quiz, a random guy at work commented on how much weight I'd lost, yada yada yada.

My mum left me a voicemail telling me that SR had been found dead. SR is a girl that I went to primary school with. I was friends with her from the age of about 9-11. She was a smart girl, she and I were by far the two brightest kids in the class. But when we went to high school we lost touch, though I was aware her life was going off the rails. I'd heard on the grapevine that she'd been hospitalised for anorexia in her twenties. And more recently I'd heard that she was drinking heavily. Poor, poor girl. Who could have ever forseen that things could have turned out so badly. I wonder what it was that made it so difficult for her to turn things around.

I'm going to try and appreciate all the good things in my life and all the people I love and who love me. Poor, poor SR.

Knackerdo

I am absolutely shattered. I was yawning my head off at work all day, so I gave up at 4.30 and came home, and since then have watched back to back Doctor Who episodes. Life is tough.

I went to see The Shawshank Redemption at the outdoor cinema with my team last night. We had a picnic beforehand, at which I over-ate. But I'm not too worried about it. I'll be back at the gym tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that...!

It'll be an early night tonight, after Ugly Betty on tv of course!

Start spreading the news

I've just spent a serious amount of money booking the New York trip. I ended up going for the Waldorf Astoria because it was only £150 more than the Affinia, and the latter hotel only had one double and a sofa bed, rather than 2 doubles. So the Family Gallus will be doing NYC Park Avenue styleeeeee! My parents are superchuffed.

I had a minor panic attack because my mum's passport expires less than 6 months after we leave the US, but according to the Department of Homeland Security and the US Embassy websites it's ok because the UK and the US have signed a waiver on that rule.

So all I need to do now is start saving my spending money! I'm sooooo excited. I've been to New York twice before and loved it both times. This time around I want to see the Statue of Liberty close up, and I want me and my parents to have cocktails in The Campbell Apartments,
http://www.hospitalityholdings.com/ which is next to Grand Central Station.

I went to an aerobics class at the gym this morning. It was my favourite so far - really dancey and fun and all the other women there weren't gym bunnies, just normal sized women (and one man, bless him.) Now I'm off to get ready for dinner at S and Ds.

I really shouldn't drink

It's a nightmare in so many ways - last night I sent inappropriate text messages, ate a greasy pizza for dinner and this morning I woke up with a hangover. I can usually stick to my pledges not to drink (I do it every January.) But this time I only lasted 6 days. Maybe it's because I'm changing so many other things in my life at the moment that it's proving more difficult. I'm going to the gym this afternoon to sweat the wine remnants out of my body.

The scales are reading 10st 6lbs at the moment, which is great. Some of the guys at work are runners and they've been trying to get me to sign up for the Grim challenge.
http://www.grimchallenge.co.uk/grim-original/info.php

I told them that contrary to popular opinion I am not in fact insane, and will NOT be taking part.

In which I am a drunken lush

It's all a bit weird. Basically, it is never good to hear yourself being talked about. I have a male friend, SG, who is lovely, if very immature (he is 23). I was at the pub tonight and I heard him trying to set me up with his mate, T. Call me old-fashioned but I don't like being offered as a piece of ass, so I wasted no time in pulling SG aside and having a massive rant at him.

I fancy so many men, but I never tell them. Maybe I should give SG a break.

Reasons to be cheerful

- our team came second-last in the pub quiz tonight.
- I got a bonus at work for the stuff I did on vaccination.
- I wore my pucci-esque shirt dress to work without it gaping open.
- it's payday tomorrow.
- just because.

Double super yey!

In which I am a shopaholic

Today I wore a suit to work that hasn't fitted me since 2005. It is a 10 in the trousers and a 14 in the jacket. Weirdly, I also came across the colour pallette I got given when I had my "colours done" at work in 2005. I am classed as "light" which makes sense as I have very pale skin which freckles a bit, burns easily and never tans. Turns out I do wear the right colours, as I have clothes in pretty much every colour in the grid. Also I remember one other piece of advice the style consultant gave me - as a curvy girl I should always choose rounded lapels and curved-toed shoes, never pointed collars or toes. I stick to this advice faithfully. My favourite pair of shoes (also my most expensive pair) are chocolate brown suede and patent leather Mary Janes by Moschino. They have an ankle strap and a curved toe. I love them, but I only wear them on special occasions - job interviews/ weddings. Maybe it's time to live a little and wear them randomly. It's always good to look down at your feet and smile, I reckon.

My favourite brands are, in alphabetical order:

Benefit (make-up)

Bravissimo (underwear)

Irregular Choice (shoes)

Nudge (Danish designers)

Oasis (all clothes)

Reiss (posh suits and frocks)

Also attached randomly above is a my favourite print by Tamara de Lempicka. I'm unsure how it got there and I can't seem to get rid of it so there it shall remain.

10 Things I wish I knew 10 years ago.

1. It is ok to give up on rubbish books. No-one gives you a medal for finishing them.
2. Don't worry about what other people think about you. They're too busy with their own thoughts to be thinking about you much in any case.
3. That the series of quite rubbish jobs will lead to a fantastic one.
4. If you exercise regularly you won't put on weight.
5. You will meet the best friend you can ever imagine.
6. Don't worry about change, everything will work out for the best in the end.
7. It is taking the pill which is making you sad, actually you're quite a happy person.
8. If a woman you know has recurring abdominal pain, and bloating, make her go to the doctors. Nag until she goes. Ovarian cancer is the 4th commonest cancer in women.
9. Take more risks, make more mistakes. It's not the end of the world.
10. Be kind to yourself.

Monday Monday

I'm just back from a rather weird gym experience. I was getting my formal induction and I'm fairly sure the fitness instructor was on drugs. She was exceptionally twitchy, distracted, and spoke very quickly without listening to me. It was my first time meeting her, so maybe she's like that all the time. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, for now. Anyway, I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the cross trainer and about 5 minutes of weights. I don't really understand the machines so I felt like a bit of a dickhead. I think I'll stick to classes, you can watch other people to make sure you're doing it right.

I have been thinking about what I eat, and I'm actually worried that I might be slowing down my metabolism by not eating enough. For example today I had sultana bran with blueberries and skimmed milk for breakfast, an Innocent veg pot for lunch (which was SUPERdelicious) http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/things_we_make/vegpots/ and then chilli for dinner, made with extra lean mince. I think that's barely 1000 calories, and I then used up about 300 calories at the gym. But I'm not hungry, and I've got plenty of energy, so I'll keep going in that vein for a little while yet. I'm also doing very well on the not drinking front, haven't touched a drop since last Thursday.

The tickets for The Shawshank Redemption at Somerset House (outdoor cinema) arrived today. I can't wait. Though I'll probably blub like a baby in front of my workmates.

Bob the builder

I am sweating and, unusually for this week, it's not because I've been to the gym. I have single-handedly assembled an Ikea desk, chair and bedside table. I now have the coolest duck-egg blue desk/dressing table at which I can make like Carrie Bradshaw.

I was a very efficient Ikea shopper I must say. I made a list of what I needed, and then allowed myself to go over budget by no more than £50 on random "must-have" purchases (which included a new dinner set, an apron, a mirror, a vanilla candle, a table lamp and some clip frames). I then ate the obligatory meatballs (on which I'm blaming a VERY upset stomach last night - ugh) and came home. No tears, no tantrums.

Also, note to self, don't spend money on a manicure before you have to assemble flatpack furniture. Doh.

Yoga kills

I decided to take it easy today so I went to a yoga class at the gym. Big mistake! It was really tough and I basically am very unbendy. When doing side planks my arm was wobbling, and I definitely can't do head stands. The instructor was remarkable though - so flexible.

I'm going for my formal gym induction on Monday. I want to get some powerplate action as I've hear it is really good for weightloss. I think they'll put together a programme for me. It's exactly 2 months until I go to New York, so I'd really like to get to goal by then (9st 11lbs).
I've also got a 5k run on 6 September. If I could be 10st by then it would be amazing.

I also think I need to completely give up alcohol for the next 2 months, as it's just empty calories, and I've learned how hard it is to use up 200 calories on the treadmill. It's N's birthday party tonight, so this will be the first big test. I've been trying to find weightloss blogs, but most of the ones which come up on a google search are full of adverts for acai berry or green tea or similar bollocks. This much I know - losing weight is only possible by eating less and moving more.

Uh-oh

I am terribly hungover. The plan was to drink diet coke. The plan failed. It was a leaving do for S at work, who is off to have a baby. I had such a good time with my workmates. They are so lovely and funny, and they were so pleased to see me!!! SG practically rugbytackled me and everyone was telling me how well I looked after my holiday. Bless them. This is the happiest I've been at work, ever. I am on top of what I'm doing, I have lots of confidence and I basically have a laugh all day. And my boss is supergreat. I remember having a right chinwag with her last night, but I just can't remember what I was saying. Oh dear. Hopefully she won't remember either.

The gym continues to be great. Yesterday I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, 8 minutes on the stairmaster and 6 minutes on the exercise bike, then 10 lengths in the pool. I pretty much ache all over.

I have no plans for today, but it looks really sunny outside, so it'll be a good one whatever happens. Oh god I shouldn't be this chirpy with such a hangover!

Live your best life

...is the strapline for the Oprah magazine. I had a bash at it today when I had my perfect day off. I woke early and went to the Post Office to collect some mail. Then I had breakfast and went to the gym. I got shown round and decided to take out a 5 day trial membership. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the stepper, and then a Reebok Reps class (lunges with weights). Then I bought some lovely food at Waitrose, came home and had fish with salad for lunch. Then I had a manicure (I can't type properly for the lovely gel nails!) and then I went to the cinema to see "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee"and now I'm watching Sex and the City on tv. Perfect. I may never go back to work.

The gym is a ridiculous £95 per month, but I think it's worth it. It's much better than the other one I visited. It has billions of classes, a massive swimming pool, and STRAIGHTENERS IN THE CHANGING ROOM. Genius. When I was on holiday my hair was curly all the time. S and N kept telling me how nice it was, and that I should leave it that way when I get home. But I just can't do it. I just feel better with straight hair. I think it's a reaction to a series of spiral perms I had as a teenager that my hair has never quite gotten over.

So tomorrow it's the gym in the morning, meeting S and little G for lunch, then work drinks in the evening. Oh, it's just so exhausting being this relaxed dahlink!

Lovely lovely lovely

I had a perfectly lovely time on holiday. It was sunny every day, the beaches and sea were amazing, the villa was outstanding, and hanging out with the girls was great fun.

I've put on a few pounds mind you, better get back on it from tomorrow!

Looooser

I went to suss out a very expensive gym today. They were on the hard sell and tried everything to get me to sign up to £85 per month. I went to one of the exercise classes - spinning, which is where you cycle very fast as various levels of resistance. It was really really hard, everyone was dripping in sweat after 10 minutes. I managed to last half an hour then had to leave the class before I passed out. I felt like such an idiot. So I wasn't particularly inclined to sign up after that. But what really put me off was the lack of plug points in the changing room. Where would I plug in my straighteners?! So it's a no. I just want to find somewhere I can do some dance classes, maybe some pilates. I'll get back on it once I come back from holiday. (I'm taking my exercise dvds with me. Oh yes.

I have packed my bag, so I am feeling very organised and relaxed. Time for a bath, a pedicure and a sleep. I have packed 2 bikinis, lots of dresses and 7 books. Bring it on.

Disappointing books

I've just finished reading one of the books I bought to read on holiday. (I am incapable of not reading when I want to read.) It was called "Little Face" by Sophie Hannah. It has left me feeling disappointed as it was a great premise (a new mother swears her baby daughter has been switched with another child but no-one believes her) but let itself down by not fully developing the characters or explaining some of the plot. It has been a recurring feature throughout my life that I dislike books or films that don't have a satisfactory ending. So, for example, when Sam kept leaping in the last episode of Quantum Leap, or the last episode of "Life on Mars" when we found John Simm had been in a coma after all. My mum even tells me that when she read me "Little Red Riding Hood" as a child, and the end was "and she ran off home." that I kept asking questions; "where did she go, did her mum and dad meet her?"

One book I wasn't disappointed by recently was "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell. It is full of really interesting stories and theories about why certain people become exceptionally successful. Basically it boils down to having innate talent, which is nurtured by a supportive family, having a sense of middle-class entitlement(!) and a certain amount of good fortune. It says on the back of the book that it will encourage you to think about your own life story, and it has.

I taught myself to read by about the age of 4. When you think about it this is highly unusual. I was reflecting on it and had concluded it might have been helped by the fact that I had a dislocated hip as a child and was immobile, with both my legs in plaster, for about a year when I was 2-3. So that meant I did a lot of jigsaws, and had stories read to me. I also obsessively watched Sesame street, a show whose only purpose is to teach little kids the alphabet. (Apparently my mum and dad changed the time that we went to church on a Sunday because it clashed with Sesame Street!) But I was chatting to my mum about it and she said I was super-interested in books and jigsaws even before I had my hip operation. But I think it does align with Gladwell's theory; if I'd had parents who didn't buy me books and jigsaws, and didn't let me watch Sesame Street, then I wouldn't have learned to read so quickly.

I still think it's mad that I taught myself to read. Apparently the first my mum knew of it was when I told her that I wanted to watch a particular programme on tv, and she said she didn't know when it was on, so I showed her the tv listings page and pointed it out. Also I managed to almost give my granny a heart attack by reading a poem from her magazine aloud over her shoulder. I hadn't started school.

I still read books exceptionally quickly, in a few hours most of the time. But I still get annoyed by the rubbish ones. One of these days I'll put my money where my mouth is and write one myself.

"Ya dancer"

"Ya dancer" is a phrase used at home to express extreme delight. I have lost another pound, meaning I'm at my holiday target weight. I'm soooooo happy! It was so weird at the picnic yesterday, there was so much food - sandwiches, quiche, chicken, sausages, crisps. And I didn't want to eat any of it. So I ended up having cucumber and hummus, and a few crisps. I made up for it by drinking wine mind you. I also didn't win the cake-off, A triumphed with a cranberry and lemon cake which was delicious. Karaoke was great fun, I hogged the mic a lot, doing Wannabe, Super Trouper, I'm gonna be (500 miles) and a rather saucy duet with A.

I now need to get cracking with packing for my holidays. I remembered this morning that I haven't ordered any holiday money so I need to sort that out today.

YAY

2 lbs off -yippee! One more to go!

Tonight I am baking as we're having a cake-off at work tomorrow. I've made banana, honey and walnut cupcakes, and also vanilla cupcakes with raspberry icing. I've also got white chocolate piping and I'm going to ice each team members initials on a cake. Do you think I want to win?!

I can't believe my ex attack-snogged me last night. He'd spent the evening telling me about his on-off girlfriend and I kept telling him to make a go of it with her. Poor cow.

This weekend I'm going to a picnic on Saturday, and on Sunday I'm getting my highlights done. Tomorrow is my last day at work for a fortnight and we're having a picnic and going to karaoke. Last time we went to karaoke I woke up on the nightbus to Crystal Palace. I don't live in Crystal Palace.

edna the enebriated woman

Things that have happened since I've last posted:

I have shrieked at my weirdo housemate for coming home, sitting in his room all night only to emerge at 12.30am amd bang every door in the place. I believe my response invoked the phrases "jesus" and "motherfucker" so I'm guessing he got the picture.

My ex from Edinburgh attempted to snog me a million times. I am at home alone, well done me. He was properly desperate to come back to my flat. No no no.

Plateauing

Ohhhh maaaaan. I am so fed up of being the same weight. I have been trying sooo hard - not eating in between meals, not eating bread, or anything with fat in it. I haven't had a drink since Saturday, and even then I only had 3 glasses of wine. I've been exercising every day as well. And I'm not shifting an ounce. It's quite depressing. I have no idea what else to do.

Today I had branflakes with fruit and skimmed milk for breakfast, chicken salad for lunch and spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. I think that's really healthy. Maybe I could cut out wheat - just having fruit for breakfast, and salad with whatever protein I'm having for dinner. Sort of Atkins-y. Right, I'll try 2 days of that and see where I end up on Friday morning. Probably crying for a piece of toast. But hey look how good Jessie Wallace looks after losing 2 stone:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1197917/From-butch-Barbara-Cartland-svelte-starlet-How-Jessie-Wallace-shed-stone-weeks.html

Rainbow

I've been listening to Heat FM on digital radio (oh the shame). I like to think I'm listening ironically. But that's bollocks, I just enjoy cheesy music. Anyway, they keep playing "Baby I love your way" which was a reasonably big hit for a group called Big Mountain in the 90s. When listening to it I suddenly realised that the singer sounds like George from Rainbow. If I was better at t'internet I'd be able to post a sound clip. But I'm not, so you'll just have to take my word for it. And here is a lovely picture of George, who in many ways was the original Lady Gaga.

I did 40 minutes of my new dance dvd tonight (in addition to having done 40 minutes last night.) Only 7 days to go until Kefalonia so I'm going hell for leather to lose a bit more weight. It's just not coming off fast enough, even though I am eating superhealthily - lots of fruit and veg and salad, no bread, very little fat. I'm not sure what more I can do, short of lopping off a limb.

Mental accounting

So I spent £88 on some fancy luggage from John Lewis. I also bought my weekly shop at Waitrose. All I need now is a mortgage and I'm officially middle-class.

Apparently in savings theory there's something called "mental accounting." It means that we segregate expenditure in our heads; allowing us to save up for something whilst running up credit for something else. I do that a bit, but I'm also a bit "mental" about worrying about spending money on certain things whilst happily splurging on other things. So I don't worry at all about buying shoes, books, dresses and make-up, but I struggle to buy perfume (I think it's overpriced) or pay for massages or manicures (an extravagance). Similarly I don't own any expensive jewellery. The most expensive piece of jewellery I own is a mirrored plastic cinderella coach and horses by Tatty Devine that everyone I know thinks is tacky. I don't mind that it's tacky, it makes me smile.

Cooking by numbers

I went to a cooking lesson this afternoon, where I made salmon and haddock fishcake, thai green chicken curry, and raspberry cheesecake. I say made, but I should really say assembled, because all of the ingredients were sitting in little cases, ready for me to pat together as instructed. I was really disappointed, as I wanted to grind the spices together for my curry. Also I asked how they made the "cheese" bit of the cheesecake and it turned out to be from double cream and marscapone so I ended up giving it to M as I thought it would be too fattening. Also I fucked up the curry by adding the sauce when I should have put it in a separate pot. So all in all I paid £20 for 2 fishcakes I could have bought in Marks and Spencer for £1.50. But I had a really fun afternoon with M and L from work, we gossiped all afternoon about boys.

Tomorrow I'm going to get organised for my holiday by buying a suitcase and toiletries, and also by gutting my wardrobe and throwing out things I will never wear. I still have the numb feeling, I don't like it very much. I feel like I'm observing the world from behind a pane of glass.

So what.

So I got drunk and ate pizza. Sue me.

Too shy - hush hush

I love this song. Such bad hair!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3P6I4pT_tVA

Anyway, what made me think about it was the fact that I was struck dumb by seeing the lawyer at lunchtime today. He was having lunch with a bunch of his colleagues, as was I. I've fancied him since October and done sod all about it. I'm worried he'll think I'm a loooooser. One constructive thing I managed to do today was check out his hand - no wedding ring! So that's a bonus. It's not even as though he's stunning or anything - slightly balding, wears glasses, but of a stammer. What a hunk huh! But he was so smart and so lovely to me when we had to work together last year, and he gave excellent feedback on me to my boss. One of these days I will grow a pair and ask him out for a drink.

I also fancy a few "unconventionally attractive" famous men - Eddie Izzard, Alan Rickman, Henry from Ugly Betty, Ben Stiller and Jon Richardson. I've only met the last one and I refused to shake his hand because I'd just washed my hands and they were still a bit wet. He then asked me if my hands were wet because they were covered in piss. Obviously they weren't but I was highly embarrassed. I think on reflection Mr Richardson should come off the list...

Distorted vision

There are several reasons why I don't consider myself to be a fully functioning adult:
- I never have stamps or tissues when I need them.
- I own more tshirts with silly pictures on them than the average 5 year old
- I get ridiculously scared when I watch scary movies on tv and have to check all the cupboards in case someone is hiding in them.

Also I always run out of contact lenses at inappropriate times. I'm currently reduced to one left lens, so I'm mostly wearing glasses, which is helpful when it's 33 degrees and you need to wear sunglasses. But I am suffering from myopia in more ways than one. I feel fatter than ever, which is patently not true. I guess I'm spending so much time thinking about it, I'm losing perspective. I've set myself a mini-goal - to lose 3 lbs in the next 2 weeks (before going on holiday). But I also need to remember to be kind to myself. I realised I was sliding into the realms of madness yesterday when I was chewing then spitting out a piece of cake to get the flavour without the calories. Uh-oh, eating disorder alert!!!

I have a notoriously bad memory, but on reflection I think I got dangerously close to anorexia when I was about 14. My periods stopped for about a year, and I was skipping lunch at school then telling my mum I wasn't hungry when I got home. I was never emaciated but I was tired all the time. I think it was triggered by worry over my exams. I first really started piling weight on at university, and after graduating, when I was a solid size 16. Then I lost weight in 2000, 2002 and 2006. I really hope that 2009 is the last time I have to do it.

Keep calm and carry on

I was in a foul mood this afternoon as all my careful plans were dismantled by someone who could have intervened about 6 weeks ago and saved me a heap of trouble. I now look like a bit of a dickhead. Which doesn't really excuse me snapping the head off of A at work when he was making some weak joke about Andy Murray. I will apologise tomorrow.

I fumed all the way home, then went swimming and fumed some more. Now I'm just tired. Ironically last night I ordered one of these t-shirts. I love the story behind them. It's so quaint! http://www.keepcalmandcarryon.com/pages/history

Feeder

I did 20 minutes of abs exercises tonight. I also made blueberry and lime muffins, which I will not eat, but I will take into work for my team to eat. I'm in a weird mood where I need to be doing something at all times. I've also handwashed lots of my silk clothes. I have a phenomenal amount of silk tops and dresses, most of which spent the majority of their life at the bottom of my laundry basket waiting to be washed.

I really can't wait to go on holiday. I saw a picture of the nearest beach today - it looks like this:

I think a poem may be in order...this is one of my absolute favourites. It's called The Lake Isle of Innisfree and it's by William Butler Yeats.

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:

Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,

I hear it in the deep heart's core.

Feng Schwaaaaaaaaaaay

Christ, I must have been bored. I actually tidied my room, and decluttering has actually made me feel better. I think that's largely because I found lots of clothes I haven't worn for ages, and I look great in them. I've definitely lost inches around my middle. So I look more like an hourglass and less like a small fridge.

I did 30 minutes of cardiobox today, which was tough but made me feel good. I also made rhubarb and custard cake again, but this time it was a disaster, as it wasn't cooked in the middle. How disappointing. So no cakes from the tin of plenty for my colleagues tomorrow.

In other news, I acidentally broke my blue bowl. This doesn't sound like a big deal, and it isn't really, but I bought it when I left home for the first time, to move to Edinburgh. (Incidently it was from Matalan, which at least shows that some things from there stand the test of time.) It's 8 years since I moved out, and I think I'm a very different person now from the one I was then. I give much less of a damn what people think of me, I worry a lot less, and I'm much more confident. I also earn 4 times as much as I did then. 4 times! Fuck, at this rate I'll be earning a six figure salary in 4 years' time. I bet I still run out of money at the end of the month though.

Niiiice.

I've just done an hour of quite hard-core exercise and I am sweating like a pig. If I can do an hour a day, with 16 days to go till my holiday, then that should shift a few pounds. I also should avoid alcohol. I have definitely been cutting down lately, having one or two glasses before switching to diet coke.

When payday comes (on Tuesday) here are all the things I am going to buy:
nice sturdy luggage (as opposed to my usual Matalan specials that fall apart)
new underwear (matching sets)
The Hummingbird Bakery cookbook (yum)
lots and lots of great books to take on holiday.

Living for the weekend

So another yawning chasm of a weekend beckons. There's something wrong if my busiest time is during the week and I have nothing to do at the weekend. I really should tidy my bedroom but that is genuinely the most boring thing in the world and I'd rather inspect my navel. Having said that, surely having a blog is the most acute form of navel-gazing there is. Ah well.

I'm increasingly getting the feeling that I'm keeping time until something exciting happens. And then nothing happens. Ever. The thing is, I'm not depressed or sad, I'm just a bit numb. And I know how happy I could feel and what would make me feel like that again, but there is little prospect of anything changing if I am tucked up in bed at 10.00pm on a Friday night.

On the upside, someone at work commented that I was looking very slim, which is the first spontaneous comment on my weightloss that I've received. I haven't done any exercise for about 2 weeks, so maybe I should get on with that tomorrow.

Oh, that's odd

So Michael Jackson is dead. Can't say I'm particularly sad, I think he exhausted any public sympathy he was due a long time ago. Poor kids though.

S and I went out for a drink and ended up at the Gipsy Moth pub quiz. We were storming it until the car marques round. I got all ten cartoon theme tunes (including Sport Billy, Dogtanian, She Ra, Hong Kong Phooey and Wacky Races.) A childhood spent in front of the tv is never really wasted.

Things I am bad at: driving, being brave, tidying up, remembering jokes, economics, telling men when I fancy them, using chopsticks, remembering when my period is due, hiding how I feel and singing in tune.

Things I am good at: reading very quickly, recognising random pop tunes from the 1980s and 1990s, baking cakes, organising nights out, listening to other people, getting sunburnt, accessorising, maths, entertaining little kids, and spending lots of money on clothes.

Hiatus

Take that were predictably fantastic and I spent a nice weekend with my family. I told my parents about the New York trip and they are over the moon. It's really nice to be able to do this for them.

Maybe it's because I got up at 5.30 this morning to get the train back, but I am feeling a little underwhelmed. I am sick of my skin being this terrible and I am sick of being this fat and I am sick of waiting for my life to start.

Off the wagon with a bump

I had 2 and half glasses of wine, half a tub of hummus plus 6 squares of dark chocolate tonight. This makes me feel like a loser. Also I'm going home for the weekend, whereupon I always eat and drink really badly. I wish I had more self-control.

Inspiring ladies

I went to a seminar at lunchtime on work life balance by some American female academics. They were tremendously impressive for a number of reasons:

- They spoke very persuasively without notes for about 40 minutes.
- Their research really resonated with my experience
- They answered questions effectively i.e. without avoiding the question.

I must admit, I judged one of them on her appearance immediately. She was a tiny blonde, maybe 50 years old and possibly had a facelift or botox. But when she began to speak she blew me away. Her accent was unmistakably American, but then she told us that she'd been born in a working class community in Wales, the youngest of six girls. Her dad had taken her on a train to Cambridge when she was seven and told her that if she worked hard she would get there. And of course, she did. She's now an incredibly successful academic and public policy practitioner.

There's a lot of debate about whether social mobility is increasing or decreasing. I don't think there's enough evidence to judge. Certainly, access to university is a lot more open than it used to be. But I still reckon that students from the top universities i.e. Oxbridge, will continue to dominate the judiciary, the senior civil service, and the media. And that's no bad thing IF access to these universities is totally fair and based on ability and not on your parents ability to buy you a private education.

I also think that how successful you are has masses to do with how much your parents are involved and interested in you. I grew up surrounded by jigsaws and books, and my mum and dad always encouraged me, although they never ever put me under pressure. (I was too busy doing that to myself!)

Annoyance

I'm just back from the theatre (Arcadia) and I'm annoyed. Annoyed at the pretentious conversations I was forced to listen to from poncey fellow members of the audience, annoyed that the theatre was very hot and had no leg room, annoyed that I didn't really follow what the play was on about. I've googled it and I'm a bit further forward, but ultimately I didn't enjoy it.

Twit

It's not often I reach to turn over the radio. But Regina Spector has made me do it. She was getting interviewed on XFM and sounded so lame and stupid that I turned it over. She could barely string a sentence together and kept going on about how cool Chrissie Hynde is. I think the interviewer was getting fed up with her too because he deadpanned, "Yes, of course, you share a record label with Chrissie." i.e. your record company made you mention her.

Anyhoo. I've had a pair of size 10 jeans hanging outside my wardrobe for weeks. The last time I tried them on they wouldn't do up. Today they zipped up and I could do the button. My muffintop still spills over but I can work on that. MUST MUST MUST do 20 minutes of exercise before I go to work tomorrow. I've made a pact with myself now.

Claim to fame

I was on the phone to my mum tonight, and we were talking about a new Sunday night tv show, Hope Springs, which is set in Scotland, and stars Paul Higgins, who plays Jamie in "In The Loop." My mum then told me that I'm related to him. Apparently he's my third cousin or something. Some very distant bells started ringing in my head for some reason, and I asked my mum if he was in Godspell, which is a musical that I had a chorusline part in when I was about 11. She couldn't remember so I googled it and lo and behold, he played John the Baptist. So I've shared the stage with one of my favourite actors, AND I'm related to him. How weird!

I sometimes forget how much I enjoyed being in plays when I was a kid. I was in The Ugly Duckling (eponymous role, obviously), Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, Godspell, and South Pacific. And the funniest thing is, now I can't sing for toffee. I've got a truly terrible voice.

I made rhubarb and custard cake tonight, which is possibly the most delicious cake I've ever made. I had to taste it because I'm bringing it into work...that's my excuse anyway. I also tested out a new recipe, bang bang chicken, which is truly delicious - with a spicy peanut sauce.

A stone down

I'm now a stone lighter than I was in January. It's such a thrill to go on the scales and see 10:11. It makes me think that 9:11 is entirely possible. I can really notice it when I wear certain trousers, which means that as per usual it's coming off my waist first. My boobs remain resolutely the same size. I've been reading the blog of a girl who lost 5 and a half stones in about 6 months. She was following the Lighter Life plan, which is meal replacement shakes. I couldn't do that, I'd get the shakes myself! But she went from size 18 to size 12, and her photos are really inspirational. http://ohyeahsheslosingit.blogspot.com/

What's really interesting is that I haven't done much exercise recently, but I have been really careful with what I've been eating and drinking. For example, only had one glass of wine at little G's birthday barbeque, and I had fruit rather than birthday cake. I also didn't eat any chocolate cake at SM's party on Friday. I'm much better at abstinence than physical activity. Must be the Catholic/ Scottish upbringing!

So a typical day's menu goes as follows:
Branflakes with strawberries and blueberries, with skimmed milk.
Pasta with courgettes, mushrooms, turkey rashers, with a bit of salad.
Lamb with couscous and salad.
Plus loads of tea and diet coke, and muller yoghurts or fruit if I'm feeling hungry.

I really should do some exercise today. I'm going to find out if the lanes are open at Deptford pool. I can't go on Tuesday (ladies night) as I'm off to see Tom Stoppard's Arcadia. Dahlink.

Update: I did 12 lengths in the pool.

Quick one

Just back from Warhorse. It was great and I cried, obviously. I'm stupidly tired but have to finish my book (the new Denise Mina one). Tomorrow night it's out for SM's birthday. Must not get drunk and insult her boyfriend, which I did last time, which is stupid because I actually think he's great.

Yippee!

Reasons to be cheerful:

1. For the first time in around 2 years, I now weigh ten stones something rather than eleven stones something.
2. I had a blinding day at work.
3. I swam ten lengths in the pool tonight.
4. The flights to Kefalonia are booked and paid for.
5. I'm going to the theatre twice in the next fortnight - to see Warhorse and Arcadia.
6. The Take That concert in only 10 days away.
7. I have pre-ordered the final Stieg Larsson novel from Amazon.
8. I'm also due to receive State Of Play and Takin' Over The Asylum on dvd tomorrow.
9. The New York holiday fund is sitting at £1200.
10. I'm off for an early night with a good book.

One of 16

I went to see T do stand-up comedy last week, he is very brave and very funny, I can't imagine doing anything so nerve-wracking. (Although having said that I do love to heckle...) He said something that really resonated with me - that secretly most people think they are special or different in some way -when in fact we're all harbouring the same hopes and fears and are perfectly ordinary.

This hit home to me when I did the Myers-Briggs personality test at work. Under this typology there are 16 personality types. After doing the test I came out as an ESFJ, which means I am Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. There are lots of things I find fascinating about this. First of all where I work it is VERY uncommon to be SF. The vast majority of people are NT, which is iNtuition, Thinking. This perhaps explains why I get constructive criticism about being too emotional and passionate. I'm feeling and burning and they're being logical and vulcan. Hee hee!

There are lots of explanations of the type of person who is ESFJ. Here are a few which I closely identify with:

ESFJs are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the service they give to others.
Translation: I am needy!


ESFJs take very good care of their appearance. They always show good taste in clothes, making sure that everything is in harmony and that colours are perfectly matched. When choosing clothes ESFjs always rely on their own taste. They will not purchase a fashionable item if it is not compatible with their own physique. They always wear the right clothes for the occasion.
Translation: I have good taste in clothes!


ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others.
Translation: I am a good friend!

There are also downsides to this type that I also identify with:

Under extreme stress, fatigue or illness, the ESFJ's shadow may appear.
Example characteristics are:
Being very critical and finding fault with almost everything
Having a pessimistic view of the future
May be unable to correctly judge what really is for the best
May react too quickly and too emotionally in a situation better dealt with in a more pragmatic fashion.

I find it so interesting that this is all so accurate. And I don't think I'm falling into the horoscope trap of only reading my own category and finding it fits me. I've read the other 15 Myers-Briggs types and they're definitely much less like me.

The other thing to bear in mind about this analysis is that these are preferences. I can learn to act and react in different ways. And I definitely think over the last couple of years in particular I have learned to be more optimistic and less critical of both myself and others.

Plans

I have woken up today with a sore back. I don't know how that is possible but it's certainly scuppered my plans to do some exercise.

I have seriously been considering a breast reduction operation. My plan is to wait and see how much weight I lose and if they get any smaller. But any other time I've lost weight I go down like one cup size. But I think a D cup would be good. Being very risk averse as I am, what worries me about having a medically unnecessary operation is the chance that I would lose a nipple (it happens!) or contract MRSA. Glad to see that I can always look on the bright side of life...

When out for dinner last night, Suzemiester and N and I agreed that we would go on holiday to Kefalonia in July. I am so happy and excited about this as I haven't had a proper chilling out holiday since forever. I am going to bring lots of books and lots of high factor suncream. And a big hat. It also represents another significant incentive to lose weight over the next 5 weeks. Going to Glasgow didn't help (nor has going out and getting pissed every night this week. I am an idiot.)

Busy bee

Tonight was my third consecutive night out of this week. I'm also due to go out for B's birthday drinks tomorrow and dinner and drinks with Soo and N on Friday. I'll be glad when Saturday night comes for a rest!

Tonight I went to see "In the loop" which is a film about the civil service and the machinations behind going to war. It was a hoot and I howled with laughter. I'm convinced I personally know at least two of the characters in the film. The best bit was the incredibly inventive swearing of Malcolm Tucker, the PM's Special Adviser. I especially liked the bit where he called the wet Oxbridge wonk "Shut it, Love Actually." *

I don't think I'm going to vote tomorrow, partly because I'm having to spend the day in Tunbridge Wells but also because I can't think who to vote for.

Edit * I got it wrong, that line is actually said by the other Scottish sweary man. Here it is in context:

Jamie MacDonald: All right, that's enough with the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
Toby Wright: Wh... What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! You want me to hole-punch your face?

My other favourite exchange is the one between the Minister and the Special Adviser:
Simon Foster: So what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime? Toby Wright: Constituency surgery in Northamptonshire.
Simon Foster: Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".

I fucking love this film!

Why I love Doctor Who

• Because it's amazingly well-written.
• Because David Tennant is gorgeous.
• Because I am a massive geek.

I am very worried that the new Doctor (Matt Smith) and the new assistant (some Scottish ginger called Karen Gillan) will be rubbish. But then again Steven Moffat is writing the new series and he is fantastic. He wrote Press Gang which was the best children's tv show ever.

Holiday Report

Number of times got sunburnt: 1
Number of exercise sessions: 3
Number of handsome American men called Chris snogged: 1

Not bad at all.

I also bought a fab new lemon tulip dress, some gladiator sandals (yes I jumped on the bandwagon - sue me), and quite a lot of jewellery. I really feel totally relaxed and ready to face the world. Bring it on.

Babooshka

I got my friend C a birthday card with a Russian doll on the front. I'm off to see her tomorrow and we're going to get pampered in a swanky spa. She's had an awful 12 months with her father dying and her mother being diagnosed with a degenerative illness.

I wrote in her card:

Remember that you are like a Russian doll. You carry within you all the women you have been, and all the women you will become, and all the people you love.

Packtard

I can't pack for going on holiday to save myself. I bring the wrong clothes, forget my pyjamas and toothbrush every time and my luggage is invariably falling to pieces. In an effort to be organised I put loads of clothes in the washing machine this morning, and used Tesco own-brand washing tablets. Well, that was a mistake. They didn't disperse properly and all my clothes looked like they had been chalked. I was all set to send an angry letter to Tesco when I took a closer look at the packet and saw that the tablets are supposed to go in the drawer and not in the machine itself, where I had put them. I can't keep up.

So I'm currently trying to dry lots of clothes that I've had to wash for the second time in a day.

I'm also packing my sports bra, trainers and davina exercise dvd. A holiday from exercise this is not.

The Book Thief

I have just finished reading "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. It was truly magnificent and I was howling like a baby by the end. I think it is the best book I have read in years. It is narrated by Death, who comes across as a very merciful, if misunderstood, entity. (Terry Pratchett uses Death as a narrator in some of his comic novels.) It is the story of Liesel, a nine year old girl living in Nazi Germany. I think it is really clever to set it there, as we rarely get that perspective on the Second World War. That said, pretty much all of the German characters are very sympathetically portrayed, several of them refuse to join the Nazi Party for example, and we're shown the consequences of that.

The narrator tells us very early on that Death will visit the book thief (Liesel) 3 times. And it also reveals the impending death of a key character very early in the novel. This gives the narrative a sense of foreboding, and I found myself reading with a certain amount of dread. It is written in beautifully simple, yet elegant prose. I wish I could write so sparingly.

I loved this book and I'm very keen to find out if the author has written any others.

Oh Lord

I am properly hammered. Drunk enough to say inappropriate things, drunk enough not to care.

My favourite Carol Ann Duffy poem is

Mrs Darwin

7 April 1852

Went to the Zoo.
I said to Him -
Something about that Chimpanzee over there reminds me of you.

I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant....

....these shoes. I tried them on in TopShop today. But I didn't buy them because I'm on a strict budget this month (saving for NYC). They are patently ridiculous and too high, and I have nothing to match them, but I don't care.

I did 30 minutes upper body exercise this morning and then I walked from Bank station to Westminster this afternoon. It was a lovely walk. I took the 53 bus home, and walked back through Deptford. I'm thinking of joining the gym there, which costs £35 per month. I was enquiring at the Virgin Active gym on the Strand, but it's over £100 per month if I want to use the one at Canary Wharf as well. That's a lot of money. I'd rather spend it on shoes. Some things never change.

Domestic Godless

Last night I cooked dinner for N and S. I made lamb souvlaki and my own tzatziki dip, with salad and couscous. The plan was also to make pineapple and coconut souffles for afters, but my egg whites wouldn't stiffen, despite a firm whipping (oooh matron). So I made the best out of a bad job by making pineapple and coconut cupcakes instead. They also didn't rise. It was rather a phallic evening all round - we were discussing circumcision versus non-circumcision over dinner, and I concluded I'd never seen a circumcised one - I really need to get out more.

I realised that the part of me that I'm most keen to get rid of is the flabby area just below my armpit. Whenever I wear a dress with straps, (as I did last night) it wobbles over and makes me feel like the Michelin woman. So the exercise I'm focusing on this week is upper body. Lots of punches and tricep dips.

The scales are currently being tipped at 11 stones 2. This is a definite improvement, as I was 11 stones 11 in January, and have been plateauing at around 11 stones 6 recently. I want to reach 10 stones 13 by the end of June. My overall target is 9 stones 10. Part of me would love to get smaller than that and be a dinky size 8, but I don't think that's sustainable. I'd also need to get a whole new wardrobe. Although the plan is to go to New York in August/September, so maybe I could treat myself to loads of new clothes then. I'm loving Gok's Fashion Fix at the moment, where he buys key pieces in signature colours, which all mix and match. Hmm, what would my signature colour be? Maybe green, as apparently that makes my eyes "pop."