Keep calm and carry on

I was in a foul mood this afternoon as all my careful plans were dismantled by someone who could have intervened about 6 weeks ago and saved me a heap of trouble. I now look like a bit of a dickhead. Which doesn't really excuse me snapping the head off of A at work when he was making some weak joke about Andy Murray. I will apologise tomorrow.

I fumed all the way home, then went swimming and fumed some more. Now I'm just tired. Ironically last night I ordered one of these t-shirts. I love the story behind them. It's so quaint! http://www.keepcalmandcarryon.com/pages/history

Feeder

I did 20 minutes of abs exercises tonight. I also made blueberry and lime muffins, which I will not eat, but I will take into work for my team to eat. I'm in a weird mood where I need to be doing something at all times. I've also handwashed lots of my silk clothes. I have a phenomenal amount of silk tops and dresses, most of which spent the majority of their life at the bottom of my laundry basket waiting to be washed.

I really can't wait to go on holiday. I saw a picture of the nearest beach today - it looks like this:

I think a poem may be in order...this is one of my absolute favourites. It's called The Lake Isle of Innisfree and it's by William Butler Yeats.

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,

And a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:

Nine bean-rows will I have there, a hive for the honeybee,

And live alone in the bee-loud glade.

And I shall have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow,

Dropping from the veils of the morning to where the cricket sings;

There midnight's all a glimmer, and noon a purple glow,

And evening full of the linnet's wings.

I will arise and go now, for always night and day

I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore;

While I stand on the roadway, or on the pavements grey,

I hear it in the deep heart's core.

Feng Schwaaaaaaaaaaay

Christ, I must have been bored. I actually tidied my room, and decluttering has actually made me feel better. I think that's largely because I found lots of clothes I haven't worn for ages, and I look great in them. I've definitely lost inches around my middle. So I look more like an hourglass and less like a small fridge.

I did 30 minutes of cardiobox today, which was tough but made me feel good. I also made rhubarb and custard cake again, but this time it was a disaster, as it wasn't cooked in the middle. How disappointing. So no cakes from the tin of plenty for my colleagues tomorrow.

In other news, I acidentally broke my blue bowl. This doesn't sound like a big deal, and it isn't really, but I bought it when I left home for the first time, to move to Edinburgh. (Incidently it was from Matalan, which at least shows that some things from there stand the test of time.) It's 8 years since I moved out, and I think I'm a very different person now from the one I was then. I give much less of a damn what people think of me, I worry a lot less, and I'm much more confident. I also earn 4 times as much as I did then. 4 times! Fuck, at this rate I'll be earning a six figure salary in 4 years' time. I bet I still run out of money at the end of the month though.

Niiiice.

I've just done an hour of quite hard-core exercise and I am sweating like a pig. If I can do an hour a day, with 16 days to go till my holiday, then that should shift a few pounds. I also should avoid alcohol. I have definitely been cutting down lately, having one or two glasses before switching to diet coke.

When payday comes (on Tuesday) here are all the things I am going to buy:
nice sturdy luggage (as opposed to my usual Matalan specials that fall apart)
new underwear (matching sets)
The Hummingbird Bakery cookbook (yum)
lots and lots of great books to take on holiday.

Living for the weekend

So another yawning chasm of a weekend beckons. There's something wrong if my busiest time is during the week and I have nothing to do at the weekend. I really should tidy my bedroom but that is genuinely the most boring thing in the world and I'd rather inspect my navel. Having said that, surely having a blog is the most acute form of navel-gazing there is. Ah well.

I'm increasingly getting the feeling that I'm keeping time until something exciting happens. And then nothing happens. Ever. The thing is, I'm not depressed or sad, I'm just a bit numb. And I know how happy I could feel and what would make me feel like that again, but there is little prospect of anything changing if I am tucked up in bed at 10.00pm on a Friday night.

On the upside, someone at work commented that I was looking very slim, which is the first spontaneous comment on my weightloss that I've received. I haven't done any exercise for about 2 weeks, so maybe I should get on with that tomorrow.

Oh, that's odd

So Michael Jackson is dead. Can't say I'm particularly sad, I think he exhausted any public sympathy he was due a long time ago. Poor kids though.

S and I went out for a drink and ended up at the Gipsy Moth pub quiz. We were storming it until the car marques round. I got all ten cartoon theme tunes (including Sport Billy, Dogtanian, She Ra, Hong Kong Phooey and Wacky Races.) A childhood spent in front of the tv is never really wasted.

Things I am bad at: driving, being brave, tidying up, remembering jokes, economics, telling men when I fancy them, using chopsticks, remembering when my period is due, hiding how I feel and singing in tune.

Things I am good at: reading very quickly, recognising random pop tunes from the 1980s and 1990s, baking cakes, organising nights out, listening to other people, getting sunburnt, accessorising, maths, entertaining little kids, and spending lots of money on clothes.

Hiatus

Take that were predictably fantastic and I spent a nice weekend with my family. I told my parents about the New York trip and they are over the moon. It's really nice to be able to do this for them.

Maybe it's because I got up at 5.30 this morning to get the train back, but I am feeling a little underwhelmed. I am sick of my skin being this terrible and I am sick of being this fat and I am sick of waiting for my life to start.

Off the wagon with a bump

I had 2 and half glasses of wine, half a tub of hummus plus 6 squares of dark chocolate tonight. This makes me feel like a loser. Also I'm going home for the weekend, whereupon I always eat and drink really badly. I wish I had more self-control.

Inspiring ladies

I went to a seminar at lunchtime on work life balance by some American female academics. They were tremendously impressive for a number of reasons:

- They spoke very persuasively without notes for about 40 minutes.
- Their research really resonated with my experience
- They answered questions effectively i.e. without avoiding the question.

I must admit, I judged one of them on her appearance immediately. She was a tiny blonde, maybe 50 years old and possibly had a facelift or botox. But when she began to speak she blew me away. Her accent was unmistakably American, but then she told us that she'd been born in a working class community in Wales, the youngest of six girls. Her dad had taken her on a train to Cambridge when she was seven and told her that if she worked hard she would get there. And of course, she did. She's now an incredibly successful academic and public policy practitioner.

There's a lot of debate about whether social mobility is increasing or decreasing. I don't think there's enough evidence to judge. Certainly, access to university is a lot more open than it used to be. But I still reckon that students from the top universities i.e. Oxbridge, will continue to dominate the judiciary, the senior civil service, and the media. And that's no bad thing IF access to these universities is totally fair and based on ability and not on your parents ability to buy you a private education.

I also think that how successful you are has masses to do with how much your parents are involved and interested in you. I grew up surrounded by jigsaws and books, and my mum and dad always encouraged me, although they never ever put me under pressure. (I was too busy doing that to myself!)

Annoyance

I'm just back from the theatre (Arcadia) and I'm annoyed. Annoyed at the pretentious conversations I was forced to listen to from poncey fellow members of the audience, annoyed that the theatre was very hot and had no leg room, annoyed that I didn't really follow what the play was on about. I've googled it and I'm a bit further forward, but ultimately I didn't enjoy it.

Twit

It's not often I reach to turn over the radio. But Regina Spector has made me do it. She was getting interviewed on XFM and sounded so lame and stupid that I turned it over. She could barely string a sentence together and kept going on about how cool Chrissie Hynde is. I think the interviewer was getting fed up with her too because he deadpanned, "Yes, of course, you share a record label with Chrissie." i.e. your record company made you mention her.

Anyhoo. I've had a pair of size 10 jeans hanging outside my wardrobe for weeks. The last time I tried them on they wouldn't do up. Today they zipped up and I could do the button. My muffintop still spills over but I can work on that. MUST MUST MUST do 20 minutes of exercise before I go to work tomorrow. I've made a pact with myself now.

Claim to fame

I was on the phone to my mum tonight, and we were talking about a new Sunday night tv show, Hope Springs, which is set in Scotland, and stars Paul Higgins, who plays Jamie in "In The Loop." My mum then told me that I'm related to him. Apparently he's my third cousin or something. Some very distant bells started ringing in my head for some reason, and I asked my mum if he was in Godspell, which is a musical that I had a chorusline part in when I was about 11. She couldn't remember so I googled it and lo and behold, he played John the Baptist. So I've shared the stage with one of my favourite actors, AND I'm related to him. How weird!

I sometimes forget how much I enjoyed being in plays when I was a kid. I was in The Ugly Duckling (eponymous role, obviously), Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, Godspell, and South Pacific. And the funniest thing is, now I can't sing for toffee. I've got a truly terrible voice.

I made rhubarb and custard cake tonight, which is possibly the most delicious cake I've ever made. I had to taste it because I'm bringing it into work...that's my excuse anyway. I also tested out a new recipe, bang bang chicken, which is truly delicious - with a spicy peanut sauce.

A stone down

I'm now a stone lighter than I was in January. It's such a thrill to go on the scales and see 10:11. It makes me think that 9:11 is entirely possible. I can really notice it when I wear certain trousers, which means that as per usual it's coming off my waist first. My boobs remain resolutely the same size. I've been reading the blog of a girl who lost 5 and a half stones in about 6 months. She was following the Lighter Life plan, which is meal replacement shakes. I couldn't do that, I'd get the shakes myself! But she went from size 18 to size 12, and her photos are really inspirational. http://ohyeahsheslosingit.blogspot.com/

What's really interesting is that I haven't done much exercise recently, but I have been really careful with what I've been eating and drinking. For example, only had one glass of wine at little G's birthday barbeque, and I had fruit rather than birthday cake. I also didn't eat any chocolate cake at SM's party on Friday. I'm much better at abstinence than physical activity. Must be the Catholic/ Scottish upbringing!

So a typical day's menu goes as follows:
Branflakes with strawberries and blueberries, with skimmed milk.
Pasta with courgettes, mushrooms, turkey rashers, with a bit of salad.
Lamb with couscous and salad.
Plus loads of tea and diet coke, and muller yoghurts or fruit if I'm feeling hungry.

I really should do some exercise today. I'm going to find out if the lanes are open at Deptford pool. I can't go on Tuesday (ladies night) as I'm off to see Tom Stoppard's Arcadia. Dahlink.

Update: I did 12 lengths in the pool.

Quick one

Just back from Warhorse. It was great and I cried, obviously. I'm stupidly tired but have to finish my book (the new Denise Mina one). Tomorrow night it's out for SM's birthday. Must not get drunk and insult her boyfriend, which I did last time, which is stupid because I actually think he's great.

Yippee!

Reasons to be cheerful:

1. For the first time in around 2 years, I now weigh ten stones something rather than eleven stones something.
2. I had a blinding day at work.
3. I swam ten lengths in the pool tonight.
4. The flights to Kefalonia are booked and paid for.
5. I'm going to the theatre twice in the next fortnight - to see Warhorse and Arcadia.
6. The Take That concert in only 10 days away.
7. I have pre-ordered the final Stieg Larsson novel from Amazon.
8. I'm also due to receive State Of Play and Takin' Over The Asylum on dvd tomorrow.
9. The New York holiday fund is sitting at £1200.
10. I'm off for an early night with a good book.

One of 16

I went to see T do stand-up comedy last week, he is very brave and very funny, I can't imagine doing anything so nerve-wracking. (Although having said that I do love to heckle...) He said something that really resonated with me - that secretly most people think they are special or different in some way -when in fact we're all harbouring the same hopes and fears and are perfectly ordinary.

This hit home to me when I did the Myers-Briggs personality test at work. Under this typology there are 16 personality types. After doing the test I came out as an ESFJ, which means I am Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, Judging. There are lots of things I find fascinating about this. First of all where I work it is VERY uncommon to be SF. The vast majority of people are NT, which is iNtuition, Thinking. This perhaps explains why I get constructive criticism about being too emotional and passionate. I'm feeling and burning and they're being logical and vulcan. Hee hee!

There are lots of explanations of the type of person who is ESFJ. Here are a few which I closely identify with:

ESFJs are extremely sensitive to the feelings of others, which makes them perhaps the most sympathetic of all the types, but which also leaves them somewhat self-conscious, that is, highly sensitive to what others think of them. Loving and affectionate themselves, they need to be loved in return. In fact, Providers can be crushed by personal criticism, and are happiest when given ample appreciation both for themselves personally and for the service they give to others.
Translation: I am needy!


ESFJs take very good care of their appearance. They always show good taste in clothes, making sure that everything is in harmony and that colours are perfectly matched. When choosing clothes ESFjs always rely on their own taste. They will not purchase a fashionable item if it is not compatible with their own physique. They always wear the right clothes for the occasion.
Translation: I have good taste in clothes!


ESFJs are people persons - they love people. They are warmly interested in others. They use their Sensing and Judging characteristics to gather specific, detailed information about others, and turn this information into supportive judgments. They want to like people, and have a special skill at bringing out the best in others. They are extremely good at reading others, and understanding their point of view. The ESFJ's strong desire to be liked and for everything to be pleasant makes them highly supportive of others.
Translation: I am a good friend!

There are also downsides to this type that I also identify with:

Under extreme stress, fatigue or illness, the ESFJ's shadow may appear.
Example characteristics are:
Being very critical and finding fault with almost everything
Having a pessimistic view of the future
May be unable to correctly judge what really is for the best
May react too quickly and too emotionally in a situation better dealt with in a more pragmatic fashion.

I find it so interesting that this is all so accurate. And I don't think I'm falling into the horoscope trap of only reading my own category and finding it fits me. I've read the other 15 Myers-Briggs types and they're definitely much less like me.

The other thing to bear in mind about this analysis is that these are preferences. I can learn to act and react in different ways. And I definitely think over the last couple of years in particular I have learned to be more optimistic and less critical of both myself and others.

Plans

I have woken up today with a sore back. I don't know how that is possible but it's certainly scuppered my plans to do some exercise.

I have seriously been considering a breast reduction operation. My plan is to wait and see how much weight I lose and if they get any smaller. But any other time I've lost weight I go down like one cup size. But I think a D cup would be good. Being very risk averse as I am, what worries me about having a medically unnecessary operation is the chance that I would lose a nipple (it happens!) or contract MRSA. Glad to see that I can always look on the bright side of life...

When out for dinner last night, Suzemiester and N and I agreed that we would go on holiday to Kefalonia in July. I am so happy and excited about this as I haven't had a proper chilling out holiday since forever. I am going to bring lots of books and lots of high factor suncream. And a big hat. It also represents another significant incentive to lose weight over the next 5 weeks. Going to Glasgow didn't help (nor has going out and getting pissed every night this week. I am an idiot.)

Busy bee

Tonight was my third consecutive night out of this week. I'm also due to go out for B's birthday drinks tomorrow and dinner and drinks with Soo and N on Friday. I'll be glad when Saturday night comes for a rest!

Tonight I went to see "In the loop" which is a film about the civil service and the machinations behind going to war. It was a hoot and I howled with laughter. I'm convinced I personally know at least two of the characters in the film. The best bit was the incredibly inventive swearing of Malcolm Tucker, the PM's Special Adviser. I especially liked the bit where he called the wet Oxbridge wonk "Shut it, Love Actually." *

I don't think I'm going to vote tomorrow, partly because I'm having to spend the day in Tunbridge Wells but also because I can't think who to vote for.

Edit * I got it wrong, that line is actually said by the other Scottish sweary man. Here it is in context:

Jamie MacDonald: All right, that's enough with the fucking Oxbridge pleasantries.
Toby Wright: Wh... What's Oxbridge about saying hello?
Jamie MacDonald: SHUT IT, Love Actually! You want me to hole-punch your face?

My other favourite exchange is the one between the Minister and the Special Adviser:
Simon Foster: So what are we going back to, apart from a nice cup of tea and some knife crime? Toby Wright: Constituency surgery in Northamptonshire.
Simon Foster: Oh, great. Meeting my constituents. It's like being Simon Cowell, only without the ability to say, "Fuck off, you're mental".

I fucking love this film!

Why I love Doctor Who

• Because it's amazingly well-written.
• Because David Tennant is gorgeous.
• Because I am a massive geek.

I am very worried that the new Doctor (Matt Smith) and the new assistant (some Scottish ginger called Karen Gillan) will be rubbish. But then again Steven Moffat is writing the new series and he is fantastic. He wrote Press Gang which was the best children's tv show ever.