How to get yourself talked about

So, my mentee, who I've been coaching for job interviews, got a great new job. So we went out for a drink after work last night to celebrate. And it was lots of fun, and T turned up. (He's not stalking me, his team were in the pub as well.) And we had a right laugh in the pub, talking nonsense about favourite vegetables and reindeer. And for some reason, (I can't really remember why), he was waving about his keys, which I then whipped out of his hand and pretended I wasn't going to give them back, which included putting them in my handbag. Of course, I gave them back to him later.

Anyway, I ran into him at work today, just next to my desk, and he said (rather more loudly than necessary) that one of his keys wasn't on his keyring, and was it possible that it was in my bag? I checked and of course it was, so I went over to his desk and left it there. And now everyone in my team (and his team) thinks that we're sleeping together. And we haven't as much as kissed.

6 impossible things before breakfast

So today I was asked to do 3 improbable and incredibly stupid things. I cannot keep a straight face when faced with such madness. I rant, I rave, I laugh, loudly, about the inbecility of the questioner. That is not a successful strategy. Neither is remaining stony-faced when asked to wax lyrical about something I think is a piece of crap.

So my best strategy is devising an exit strategy, and fast.

I went out with a work colleague, M, for 2 glasses of wine after work. I do not fancy him, and I don't think he fancies me either, which is great, as I just enjoy having a giggle with him, talking crap and moaning about work. The best thing about him is that when he sent me an email setting out how he was going to chase someone on a request, I replied saying "I assume you mean in a Benny Hill style chase" and we then spent the whole day emailing increasingly funny scenarios of how that might pan out. And making one another splutter at our screens, although we sit about 3 feet apart. Boys are funnier than girls. Fact.

At the mercy of oestrogen.

I am not in charge of my life. My hormones are in charge of me. It's like an alien comes and sits on my shoulder and whispers poison in my ear. And I can't rationalise it. When I feel really low I can't accept that that isn't exactly how I deserve to feel.

I used to take the pill, primarily because I had terrible acne. And I had real lows - lows where you can't get out of bed, and are downright nasty to people you love. But now I know that wasn't me. I stopped taking it about 2 years ago and have been pretty much a different person. I still get spots, but quite frankly I'd rather have bad skin than a bad attitude.

But I still get sad, but whereas I used to inflict that on others, I just turn it on myself. But that's just as destructive.

Something's gotta give

I'm so bored. The last time I was this bored I changed cities.

Take That rock

I've just finished watching the Children in Need concert. Take That rocked the casbah, duetting with Lily Allen and Paul McCartney. Cheryl Cole also duetted with Snow Patrol, and was amazingly good. I really want to learn the dance she does to "Fight for this love" although I don't want to wear the harem pants....

I went to pilates this evening, and Paul said I am VERY GOOD. This makes me feel very smug. If I can get a waistline like his I'll be happy (it's like a 12 year old girl's......)

Minor pitstop

At the weekend I seriously contemplated phoning in sick to work for the week. I got over that slump, but I have decided to take tomorrow off as flexi/mental health day.

I used to love my job so much, but a few things have happened recently which make it much less exciting. I feel a bit like someone who's pushed a big stone to the top of a big hill and is now asking "Why the bloody hell did I do that?"

I'm going to push on through to Christmas and then re-evaluate. Out of everything I did today, the thing I most enjoyed was asking awkward questions of senior people on disability discrimination. I'm a bit worried that I might want to become a social worker. And everyone knows how annoying they are.

Too subtle

Ok, here's the thing. All of my female friends, or at least, those whose opinion really matters to me, tell me that I am too judgemental, too picky, too hasty, with men. And I can see where they're coming from, but I honestly think that there is not one boy I've been out with and broken up with that they would have been happy to see me with in the long term.

So they'll probably give me shit for writing off L, who I met for a drink tonight. But here are my reasons:

1. I did not find him attractive.
2. He did not say anything even mildly amusing in the 2 hours I spent with him tonight.

If that means I'm too picky then quite frankly I'm happy to die along and by gnawed by alsatians.
But I must be too nice as L has already texted me and invited me out again. What part of me making excuses to go home at 9.45 did he not understand?

Exercise is the answer

I dragged my sorry self to the gym yesterday and did 20 lengths, in the medium lane. Yes, I'm too swift for the slow lane anymore, oh yes! So I felt lots better after that. I also went swimming after work tonight, then cooked myself a lovely low fat curry with butternut squash brown rice. Yumster.

Boy update - Jay did finally reply to my text message, reiterating he's really busy at work but will call me later in the week. I'm not holding my breath. However, I do have another date with a different boy (L) tomorrow night, so I'm going to vamp it up in my very high boots and my very tight red dress. Well no point busting my ass at the gym if I can't show it off now and again.

I've been very surprised by the news that Belle De Jour is a woman and was actually a call girl. I was convinced it was written by a man, or at least by a woman writer with a very active imagination. Just goes to show, it is possible to be confounded in this cynical old world.

Doldrumville

Yesterday I stayed home all day and watched the entire series 1 of Dexter (I bought the box set.) I got really, really depressed, which is not entirely surprising, given that it's a show about an amoral serial killer. And I haven't left the house yet today (other than skulking to the shop for the Sunday papers in pyjamas and a coat).

I think I'm sad because I had my second date with Jay on Friday and it all went a bit Pete Tong. We had a drink before going to the cinema, and up to that point it was all good - holding hands in the cinema, and a bit of snogging at the end. But when we came out it was all a bit weird. After trying and failing to find a late night bar, it started to rain and he suggested that he walk me to the bus stop. And the walk was a bit awkward. I felt like I was being frogmarched. We did snog a bit at the bus stop, but then he gabbled something about work being busy this weekend and that maybe we could go out again next week or the week after. So I don't really know what's going on. And he hasn't texted me or anything since.

Also, Sundays when you're single are really, really crap. It's no fun doing things on your own.
Oh well, at least Doctor Who is on tonight. Rock. On.

Date update

Well, as Sod, Murphy or whoever you believe in would have it, tonight's date was a total triumph! He's a working class boy made good, attractive, funny AND fancies the arse off me. Result!! We're going out again on Friday (he made sure of it.) YAY!!!!

(And I do appreciate what Sparkling Choices says about not relying on other people to make you happy. But sometimes it's nice when someone else shows an interest. But I know that it's up to me to make myself a good life.)

Hugging

I have never been a touchy-feely person, but I find myself giving hugs and getting hugs more and more these days. I hugged our admin worker the other day when she told me about her cats getting scared by the fireworks. I hugged my friend S when she was having a bad day at work the other day. And in some kind of hugging karma I got one back today, when a colleague at work (from a completely different part of the building) walked round to hug me after I'd sent an email to him venting about something or other. What a sweetie he is.

I have a date tomorrow off' tinternet. I'm completely not excited by it. If he turns out not to be a complete knobber then that will be a turn up for the books.

I accidently spent Friday night in the company of T (boy who said I was gorgeous the other week). Yes, he "turned up" again. And I did enjoy my evening, we talked random bollocks and got drunk together. And I hugged him goodbye and told him I'd had a really fun evening. BUT I'm not sure that I fancy him. And the spark has got to be there, hasn't it? Or maybe I should take Michelle Obama's advice:

"Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long and then it's: "Who are you as a person?"
That's the advice I would give to women - don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole."

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

I am so stupid. I really really am. I'm so embarrassed I can't even blog about it properly.
I feel like the stupidist stupid person in Stupidland.

I always pick the wrong 'uns.

Perspective

When I was at high school, I used to be able to see the train line to Glasgow (when I was on the fourth floor.) And I used to think - then my life will begin.

And then I went to university in Glasgow. And it was great, and I really loved learning about Milton and Spenser, and Shakespeare, and renaissance and romantic era poetry. But I was still a child.

And then I moved to Edinburgh, and I had a not very interesting job, but I learned about sharing a flat, and I learned to drive. And I thought, when I move to London, then my life will begin.

And then I moved to London. And I lost weight, and I gained it. And I lost it again, and I gained it. And now, for the third time, I've lost it again. I hope I've changed for good this time. And in the last 7 years I have changed in massive ways - in terms of moral values, confidence and general perspective on life. I am much more confident, but I still have no clue how my life will turn out. Ideally, I'd move to New York and have a fantastic time.

I think I'm an adult now. But maybe when I'm 40 I'll look back and think "Oh, I didn't know anything then." My mum tells me that sometimes she has nightmares where she wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks she's old. And then she realises that she is actually 60. (Even though she looks fabulous and looks about 45.) Apparently when I was 13 I said something that really resonated with my mum and which she quotes back to me when I'm being craptastic:

"This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is life."

So I'm ready for my close-up, Mr De Mille. I just need to decide what the storyline of the movie of my life is.

Instant karma's gonna getcha

I have sometimes blogged about a colleague who is a massive pain in the arse and is rude and obstructive to me. Well, today she has managed to piss off the wrong person and has been reported to a senior manager for her behaviour. This was the best news I've heard in years. I actually skipped down the road on my way home!!!

What I think about when I think about swimming

I did another 30 lengths in the pool today. It's getting easier, I could probably have done a few more to be honest. I even look the part now, with a new swimsuit and goggles. What I like most about swimming is that I zone out. I just get into the rhythm and go with it.

I re-read Murakami's memoir "What I think about when I think about running" today. That book really speaks to me, I completely identify with the things he says. For example:

"The thing is, I'm not much for team sports, that's just the way I am....don't misunderstand me
- I'm not totally uncompetitive. It's just that for some reason I never cared all that much
whether I beat others or lost to them...I'm much more interested in the goals that I set
for myself."

"I'm the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I'm the type of
person who doesn't find it painful to be alone....I've had this tendency ever since I was young,
when, given a choice, I much preferred reading books on my own or concentrating on listening
to music over being with someone else. I could always think of things to do by myself."

I think I've lost sight of myself. I've changed so much in the last 7 years since I moved to London. I've gone from introvert to extrovert, passive-aggressive to ranty, always worried about what other people think of me to not giving a rat's arse. But every so often I get exhausted by being so "up". And then I get really down.

What would make me really happy? A stack of books, a window seat, and someone to love. I've got the first two. And I'm working on the third.