Doldrumville

Yesterday I stayed home all day and watched the entire series 1 of Dexter (I bought the box set.) I got really, really depressed, which is not entirely surprising, given that it's a show about an amoral serial killer. And I haven't left the house yet today (other than skulking to the shop for the Sunday papers in pyjamas and a coat).

I think I'm sad because I had my second date with Jay on Friday and it all went a bit Pete Tong. We had a drink before going to the cinema, and up to that point it was all good - holding hands in the cinema, and a bit of snogging at the end. But when we came out it was all a bit weird. After trying and failing to find a late night bar, it started to rain and he suggested that he walk me to the bus stop. And the walk was a bit awkward. I felt like I was being frogmarched. We did snog a bit at the bus stop, but then he gabbled something about work being busy this weekend and that maybe we could go out again next week or the week after. So I don't really know what's going on. And he hasn't texted me or anything since.

Also, Sundays when you're single are really, really crap. It's no fun doing things on your own.
Oh well, at least Doctor Who is on tonight. Rock. On.

Date update

Well, as Sod, Murphy or whoever you believe in would have it, tonight's date was a total triumph! He's a working class boy made good, attractive, funny AND fancies the arse off me. Result!! We're going out again on Friday (he made sure of it.) YAY!!!!

(And I do appreciate what Sparkling Choices says about not relying on other people to make you happy. But sometimes it's nice when someone else shows an interest. But I know that it's up to me to make myself a good life.)

Hugging

I have never been a touchy-feely person, but I find myself giving hugs and getting hugs more and more these days. I hugged our admin worker the other day when she told me about her cats getting scared by the fireworks. I hugged my friend S when she was having a bad day at work the other day. And in some kind of hugging karma I got one back today, when a colleague at work (from a completely different part of the building) walked round to hug me after I'd sent an email to him venting about something or other. What a sweetie he is.

I have a date tomorrow off' tinternet. I'm completely not excited by it. If he turns out not to be a complete knobber then that will be a turn up for the books.

I accidently spent Friday night in the company of T (boy who said I was gorgeous the other week). Yes, he "turned up" again. And I did enjoy my evening, we talked random bollocks and got drunk together. And I hugged him goodbye and told him I'd had a really fun evening. BUT I'm not sure that I fancy him. And the spark has got to be there, hasn't it? Or maybe I should take Michelle Obama's advice:

"Cute's good. But cute only lasts for so long and then it's: "Who are you as a person?"
That's the advice I would give to women - don't look at the bankbook or the title. Look at the heart. Look at the soul. Look at how the guy treats his mother and what he says about women. How he acts with children he doesn't know. And, more important, how does he treat you? When you're dating a man, you should always feel good. You should never doubt yourself. You shouldn't be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't make you completely happy and make you feel whole."

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

I am so stupid. I really really am. I'm so embarrassed I can't even blog about it properly.
I feel like the stupidist stupid person in Stupidland.

I always pick the wrong 'uns.

Perspective

When I was at high school, I used to be able to see the train line to Glasgow (when I was on the fourth floor.) And I used to think - then my life will begin.

And then I went to university in Glasgow. And it was great, and I really loved learning about Milton and Spenser, and Shakespeare, and renaissance and romantic era poetry. But I was still a child.

And then I moved to Edinburgh, and I had a not very interesting job, but I learned about sharing a flat, and I learned to drive. And I thought, when I move to London, then my life will begin.

And then I moved to London. And I lost weight, and I gained it. And I lost it again, and I gained it. And now, for the third time, I've lost it again. I hope I've changed for good this time. And in the last 7 years I have changed in massive ways - in terms of moral values, confidence and general perspective on life. I am much more confident, but I still have no clue how my life will turn out. Ideally, I'd move to New York and have a fantastic time.

I think I'm an adult now. But maybe when I'm 40 I'll look back and think "Oh, I didn't know anything then." My mum tells me that sometimes she has nightmares where she wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks she's old. And then she realises that she is actually 60. (Even though she looks fabulous and looks about 45.) Apparently when I was 13 I said something that really resonated with my mum and which she quotes back to me when I'm being craptastic:

"This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is life."

So I'm ready for my close-up, Mr De Mille. I just need to decide what the storyline of the movie of my life is.

Instant karma's gonna getcha

I have sometimes blogged about a colleague who is a massive pain in the arse and is rude and obstructive to me. Well, today she has managed to piss off the wrong person and has been reported to a senior manager for her behaviour. This was the best news I've heard in years. I actually skipped down the road on my way home!!!

What I think about when I think about swimming

I did another 30 lengths in the pool today. It's getting easier, I could probably have done a few more to be honest. I even look the part now, with a new swimsuit and goggles. What I like most about swimming is that I zone out. I just get into the rhythm and go with it.

I re-read Murakami's memoir "What I think about when I think about running" today. That book really speaks to me, I completely identify with the things he says. For example:

"The thing is, I'm not much for team sports, that's just the way I am....don't misunderstand me
- I'm not totally uncompetitive. It's just that for some reason I never cared all that much
whether I beat others or lost to them...I'm much more interested in the goals that I set
for myself."

"I'm the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I'm the type of
person who doesn't find it painful to be alone....I've had this tendency ever since I was young,
when, given a choice, I much preferred reading books on my own or concentrating on listening
to music over being with someone else. I could always think of things to do by myself."

I think I've lost sight of myself. I've changed so much in the last 7 years since I moved to London. I've gone from introvert to extrovert, passive-aggressive to ranty, always worried about what other people think of me to not giving a rat's arse. But every so often I get exhausted by being so "up". And then I get really down.

What would make me really happy? A stack of books, a window seat, and someone to love. I've got the first two. And I'm working on the third.