Holiday Report

Number of times got sunburnt: 1
Number of exercise sessions: 3
Number of handsome American men called Chris snogged: 1

Not bad at all.

I also bought a fab new lemon tulip dress, some gladiator sandals (yes I jumped on the bandwagon - sue me), and quite a lot of jewellery. I really feel totally relaxed and ready to face the world. Bring it on.

Babooshka

I got my friend C a birthday card with a Russian doll on the front. I'm off to see her tomorrow and we're going to get pampered in a swanky spa. She's had an awful 12 months with her father dying and her mother being diagnosed with a degenerative illness.

I wrote in her card:

Remember that you are like a Russian doll. You carry within you all the women you have been, and all the women you will become, and all the people you love.

Packtard

I can't pack for going on holiday to save myself. I bring the wrong clothes, forget my pyjamas and toothbrush every time and my luggage is invariably falling to pieces. In an effort to be organised I put loads of clothes in the washing machine this morning, and used Tesco own-brand washing tablets. Well, that was a mistake. They didn't disperse properly and all my clothes looked like they had been chalked. I was all set to send an angry letter to Tesco when I took a closer look at the packet and saw that the tablets are supposed to go in the drawer and not in the machine itself, where I had put them. I can't keep up.

So I'm currently trying to dry lots of clothes that I've had to wash for the second time in a day.

I'm also packing my sports bra, trainers and davina exercise dvd. A holiday from exercise this is not.

The Book Thief

I have just finished reading "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. It was truly magnificent and I was howling like a baby by the end. I think it is the best book I have read in years. It is narrated by Death, who comes across as a very merciful, if misunderstood, entity. (Terry Pratchett uses Death as a narrator in some of his comic novels.) It is the story of Liesel, a nine year old girl living in Nazi Germany. I think it is really clever to set it there, as we rarely get that perspective on the Second World War. That said, pretty much all of the German characters are very sympathetically portrayed, several of them refuse to join the Nazi Party for example, and we're shown the consequences of that.

The narrator tells us very early on that Death will visit the book thief (Liesel) 3 times. And it also reveals the impending death of a key character very early in the novel. This gives the narrative a sense of foreboding, and I found myself reading with a certain amount of dread. It is written in beautifully simple, yet elegant prose. I wish I could write so sparingly.

I loved this book and I'm very keen to find out if the author has written any others.

Oh Lord

I am properly hammered. Drunk enough to say inappropriate things, drunk enough not to care.

My favourite Carol Ann Duffy poem is

Mrs Darwin

7 April 1852

Went to the Zoo.
I said to Him -
Something about that Chimpanzee over there reminds me of you.

I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant....

....these shoes. I tried them on in TopShop today. But I didn't buy them because I'm on a strict budget this month (saving for NYC). They are patently ridiculous and too high, and I have nothing to match them, but I don't care.

I did 30 minutes upper body exercise this morning and then I walked from Bank station to Westminster this afternoon. It was a lovely walk. I took the 53 bus home, and walked back through Deptford. I'm thinking of joining the gym there, which costs £35 per month. I was enquiring at the Virgin Active gym on the Strand, but it's over £100 per month if I want to use the one at Canary Wharf as well. That's a lot of money. I'd rather spend it on shoes. Some things never change.

Domestic Godless

Last night I cooked dinner for N and S. I made lamb souvlaki and my own tzatziki dip, with salad and couscous. The plan was also to make pineapple and coconut souffles for afters, but my egg whites wouldn't stiffen, despite a firm whipping (oooh matron). So I made the best out of a bad job by making pineapple and coconut cupcakes instead. They also didn't rise. It was rather a phallic evening all round - we were discussing circumcision versus non-circumcision over dinner, and I concluded I'd never seen a circumcised one - I really need to get out more.

I realised that the part of me that I'm most keen to get rid of is the flabby area just below my armpit. Whenever I wear a dress with straps, (as I did last night) it wobbles over and makes me feel like the Michelin woman. So the exercise I'm focusing on this week is upper body. Lots of punches and tricep dips.

The scales are currently being tipped at 11 stones 2. This is a definite improvement, as I was 11 stones 11 in January, and have been plateauing at around 11 stones 6 recently. I want to reach 10 stones 13 by the end of June. My overall target is 9 stones 10. Part of me would love to get smaller than that and be a dinky size 8, but I don't think that's sustainable. I'd also need to get a whole new wardrobe. Although the plan is to go to New York in August/September, so maybe I could treat myself to loads of new clothes then. I'm loving Gok's Fashion Fix at the moment, where he buys key pieces in signature colours, which all mix and match. Hmm, what would my signature colour be? Maybe green, as apparently that makes my eyes "pop."

Kites and anchors

My friend N came up with a very interesting theory last night. Apparently successful women often look for men who are "kites" - who pull them higher by being amazingly funny or clever or successful, when in fact they'd be better off with "anchors" - men who ground them by being supportive and reliable. I definitely think I'm looking upwards for a kite, when apparently I should be "diving for pearls". (Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello is one of my favourite ever songs.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LNB6M7yTBo

The thing is, I love kites. Most of my friends are kites. I love being around people who are sparky and witty and funny. I did a Myers Briggs analysis which shows that I am an ESFJ, which means, amougst other things that "I may take affront at the aloof, detached nature of some people." Quiet people make me uneasy and angry, because I can't tell what they're thinking. I know I'm probably conflating anchors and quieter people, but for me they are synonymous.

Last night I said something incredibly, spectacularly stupid. (My excuse is that I'd been drinking a bit.) My friend N was talking about how painful her waxing had been, and said "I think it's because I'm a Jew." I looked puzzled and said "You're not Jewish." Of course what she'd actually said was "I think it's because I'm due (her period)." What a dickhead I am. That's almost as good as the time the Priest came to our school and started going on about "glorious mysteries" which is Catholic-speak for things which cannot be explained - like how the Virgin Mary got pregnant, or how people's souls get into heaven. So he asked us for examples of such glorious mysteries, and I piped up with "the mystery of whether there's a Loch Ness monster or not." It did not go down well.

Update: ElvisCostello was asked by Q magazine March 2008 if he still considered "Shipbuilding" to be the best lyrics that he'd ever written. He replied: "It's a pretty good lyric, yeah. The key line for me is, 'Diving for dear life, when we could be diving for pearls.' That we should be doing something beautiful, better than this. I wrote the lyric before the Belgrano (Argentinean Navy cruiser sunk by British forces during the 1982 Falklands conflict in controversial circumstances). I've been to see the monument, stood and read the names of all the men… well boys who died. Whatever you say about the conflict of war, that crime alone will see Thatcher in hell."

Alcohol is not my friend

I have had a top night out catching up with my friends, (we saw Jarvis Cocker and I said quite possibly the most stupid thing I have ever uttered...) but have spent the entire bus ride home brooding over the shit I've had to deal with from another Department today. I really honestly wish I could switch off from their bile. if it's designed to upset me then well done guys, you're succeeding. I wish I could tell them that they are easily the worst part of my job, having to deal with negative, boring, unimaginative people is, funnily enough, not my most favourite thing to do.

I have decided to channel my energy into something positive, however. I am itching to go for a long and painful run tomorrow.

Strangely calm

I was walking home from the cinema tonight and the streets were eerily quiet. The sky is also a funny purpley pink colour. This has been a very strange day. I got one piece of bad news after another at work, and my response has been a slight shrug of the shoulder and a vague thought that it will work out alright in the end.

I think I have lost "the fear"; that little bit of edginess that keeps us (me) on my toes and ticking over about how to make everything alright. It's clear that I can't solve every problem, nor is it my responsibility to. I'm not entirely comfortable with this frame of mind, it makes everything seem a little bit pointless. My feet are beginning to itch. I think I need a new challenge, work-wise. How ridiculous, I'm actually actively seeking change.

Control freak

Today's exercise tally: 30 minutes of upper body work (which was really easy - I must not be doing it right.) And 30 minutes of core stability (basically just breathing and stretching). I'm trying not to run before I can walk but I want results NOW.

I realised how much I'm a control freak when I was getting some career coaching the other week. First of all, I asked my coach what we were going to discuss in advance so that I could prepare. ( I don't like surprises.) And one of the questions I had to think about was "How much control do you have over your life?" And without thinking twice I wrote "I have absolute control." And it's true. I only do exactly what I want to do. And I never do things that I don't want to do. And in some ways that's ok because I am a nightmare when I have to do things I don't like. I either go into a massive huff or I moan constantly. So experience has taught me to say early "No, I do not wish to play rounders, go paintballing, or surfing, or camping." But the risk is that I take no risks in life, shutting down possibilities that might actually be fun. So I guess I should follow Danny Wallace's example and say yes more.

But, thinking about it, I guess I'm benefiting from feminism. I have a range of choices open to me that women didn't have even 40 years ago. I don't have to have children, or stay at home; I can work in an interesting job, I can travel pretty much where I want. So I should perhaps relax a bit.

Update: I have signed up online to run the women's challenge 5k run in September in aid of Maggie's Cancer Care centres. I know 5k isn't much for most people, but it is longer than I have run in about 20 years....

Finally getting with the programme

So it begins. There are some points in life that stand out, because they mark a change. Some you know and feel at the time, others you only notice with hindsight. So, my move to Edinburgh only happened after a very sad event in my life, and it was only later that I recognised that I'd given myself permission to move on by moving location. I also got considerably happier about 18 months ago, which coincided with getting a terrific new job. Chicken or egg? I still haven't figured that one out.

But something snapped in me this weekend after my chain had been yanked by a man who had taken me out on an amazing date, then spent the week avoiding my texts and being generally weaselly. I decided to stop being so needy, and to become the type of person I really admire. So I have decided to change my diet and exercise FOR LIFE. Not for 6 months until I lose weight and then pile it on again, but forever. So I bought a recipe journal, planned my menus for the week, bought some trainers, went on a 90 minute walk/ jog plus did another 30 minutes core stability. So the plan is to get fit for summer. But I think it's more than that. Some dear friends went off on an amazing adventure this weekend, and I'm so happy for them. But it made me realise that I too need a plan. And it starts with remaking me.