Kites and anchors

My friend N came up with a very interesting theory last night. Apparently successful women often look for men who are "kites" - who pull them higher by being amazingly funny or clever or successful, when in fact they'd be better off with "anchors" - men who ground them by being supportive and reliable. I definitely think I'm looking upwards for a kite, when apparently I should be "diving for pearls". (Shipbuilding by Elvis Costello is one of my favourite ever songs.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6LNB6M7yTBo

The thing is, I love kites. Most of my friends are kites. I love being around people who are sparky and witty and funny. I did a Myers Briggs analysis which shows that I am an ESFJ, which means, amougst other things that "I may take affront at the aloof, detached nature of some people." Quiet people make me uneasy and angry, because I can't tell what they're thinking. I know I'm probably conflating anchors and quieter people, but for me they are synonymous.

Last night I said something incredibly, spectacularly stupid. (My excuse is that I'd been drinking a bit.) My friend N was talking about how painful her waxing had been, and said "I think it's because I'm a Jew." I looked puzzled and said "You're not Jewish." Of course what she'd actually said was "I think it's because I'm due (her period)." What a dickhead I am. That's almost as good as the time the Priest came to our school and started going on about "glorious mysteries" which is Catholic-speak for things which cannot be explained - like how the Virgin Mary got pregnant, or how people's souls get into heaven. So he asked us for examples of such glorious mysteries, and I piped up with "the mystery of whether there's a Loch Ness monster or not." It did not go down well.

Update: ElvisCostello was asked by Q magazine March 2008 if he still considered "Shipbuilding" to be the best lyrics that he'd ever written. He replied: "It's a pretty good lyric, yeah. The key line for me is, 'Diving for dear life, when we could be diving for pearls.' That we should be doing something beautiful, better than this. I wrote the lyric before the Belgrano (Argentinean Navy cruiser sunk by British forces during the 1982 Falklands conflict in controversial circumstances). I've been to see the monument, stood and read the names of all the men… well boys who died. Whatever you say about the conflict of war, that crime alone will see Thatcher in hell."

Alcohol is not my friend

I have had a top night out catching up with my friends, (we saw Jarvis Cocker and I said quite possibly the most stupid thing I have ever uttered...) but have spent the entire bus ride home brooding over the shit I've had to deal with from another Department today. I really honestly wish I could switch off from their bile. if it's designed to upset me then well done guys, you're succeeding. I wish I could tell them that they are easily the worst part of my job, having to deal with negative, boring, unimaginative people is, funnily enough, not my most favourite thing to do.

I have decided to channel my energy into something positive, however. I am itching to go for a long and painful run tomorrow.

Strangely calm

I was walking home from the cinema tonight and the streets were eerily quiet. The sky is also a funny purpley pink colour. This has been a very strange day. I got one piece of bad news after another at work, and my response has been a slight shrug of the shoulder and a vague thought that it will work out alright in the end.

I think I have lost "the fear"; that little bit of edginess that keeps us (me) on my toes and ticking over about how to make everything alright. It's clear that I can't solve every problem, nor is it my responsibility to. I'm not entirely comfortable with this frame of mind, it makes everything seem a little bit pointless. My feet are beginning to itch. I think I need a new challenge, work-wise. How ridiculous, I'm actually actively seeking change.

Control freak

Today's exercise tally: 30 minutes of upper body work (which was really easy - I must not be doing it right.) And 30 minutes of core stability (basically just breathing and stretching). I'm trying not to run before I can walk but I want results NOW.

I realised how much I'm a control freak when I was getting some career coaching the other week. First of all, I asked my coach what we were going to discuss in advance so that I could prepare. ( I don't like surprises.) And one of the questions I had to think about was "How much control do you have over your life?" And without thinking twice I wrote "I have absolute control." And it's true. I only do exactly what I want to do. And I never do things that I don't want to do. And in some ways that's ok because I am a nightmare when I have to do things I don't like. I either go into a massive huff or I moan constantly. So experience has taught me to say early "No, I do not wish to play rounders, go paintballing, or surfing, or camping." But the risk is that I take no risks in life, shutting down possibilities that might actually be fun. So I guess I should follow Danny Wallace's example and say yes more.

But, thinking about it, I guess I'm benefiting from feminism. I have a range of choices open to me that women didn't have even 40 years ago. I don't have to have children, or stay at home; I can work in an interesting job, I can travel pretty much where I want. So I should perhaps relax a bit.

Update: I have signed up online to run the women's challenge 5k run in September in aid of Maggie's Cancer Care centres. I know 5k isn't much for most people, but it is longer than I have run in about 20 years....

Finally getting with the programme

So it begins. There are some points in life that stand out, because they mark a change. Some you know and feel at the time, others you only notice with hindsight. So, my move to Edinburgh only happened after a very sad event in my life, and it was only later that I recognised that I'd given myself permission to move on by moving location. I also got considerably happier about 18 months ago, which coincided with getting a terrific new job. Chicken or egg? I still haven't figured that one out.

But something snapped in me this weekend after my chain had been yanked by a man who had taken me out on an amazing date, then spent the week avoiding my texts and being generally weaselly. I decided to stop being so needy, and to become the type of person I really admire. So I have decided to change my diet and exercise FOR LIFE. Not for 6 months until I lose weight and then pile it on again, but forever. So I bought a recipe journal, planned my menus for the week, bought some trainers, went on a 90 minute walk/ jog plus did another 30 minutes core stability. So the plan is to get fit for summer. But I think it's more than that. Some dear friends went off on an amazing adventure this weekend, and I'm so happy for them. But it made me realise that I too need a plan. And it starts with remaking me.