If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.

I am so stupid. I really really am. I'm so embarrassed I can't even blog about it properly.
I feel like the stupidist stupid person in Stupidland.

I always pick the wrong 'uns.

Perspective

When I was at high school, I used to be able to see the train line to Glasgow (when I was on the fourth floor.) And I used to think - then my life will begin.

And then I went to university in Glasgow. And it was great, and I really loved learning about Milton and Spenser, and Shakespeare, and renaissance and romantic era poetry. But I was still a child.

And then I moved to Edinburgh, and I had a not very interesting job, but I learned about sharing a flat, and I learned to drive. And I thought, when I move to London, then my life will begin.

And then I moved to London. And I lost weight, and I gained it. And I lost it again, and I gained it. And now, for the third time, I've lost it again. I hope I've changed for good this time. And in the last 7 years I have changed in massive ways - in terms of moral values, confidence and general perspective on life. I am much more confident, but I still have no clue how my life will turn out. Ideally, I'd move to New York and have a fantastic time.

I think I'm an adult now. But maybe when I'm 40 I'll look back and think "Oh, I didn't know anything then." My mum tells me that sometimes she has nightmares where she wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks she's old. And then she realises that she is actually 60. (Even though she looks fabulous and looks about 45.) Apparently when I was 13 I said something that really resonated with my mum and which she quotes back to me when I'm being craptastic:

"This isn't a dress rehearsal. This is life."

So I'm ready for my close-up, Mr De Mille. I just need to decide what the storyline of the movie of my life is.

Instant karma's gonna getcha

I have sometimes blogged about a colleague who is a massive pain in the arse and is rude and obstructive to me. Well, today she has managed to piss off the wrong person and has been reported to a senior manager for her behaviour. This was the best news I've heard in years. I actually skipped down the road on my way home!!!

What I think about when I think about swimming

I did another 30 lengths in the pool today. It's getting easier, I could probably have done a few more to be honest. I even look the part now, with a new swimsuit and goggles. What I like most about swimming is that I zone out. I just get into the rhythm and go with it.

I re-read Murakami's memoir "What I think about when I think about running" today. That book really speaks to me, I completely identify with the things he says. For example:

"The thing is, I'm not much for team sports, that's just the way I am....don't misunderstand me
- I'm not totally uncompetitive. It's just that for some reason I never cared all that much
whether I beat others or lost to them...I'm much more interested in the goals that I set
for myself."

"I'm the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I'm the type of
person who doesn't find it painful to be alone....I've had this tendency ever since I was young,
when, given a choice, I much preferred reading books on my own or concentrating on listening
to music over being with someone else. I could always think of things to do by myself."

I think I've lost sight of myself. I've changed so much in the last 7 years since I moved to London. I've gone from introvert to extrovert, passive-aggressive to ranty, always worried about what other people think of me to not giving a rat's arse. But every so often I get exhausted by being so "up". And then I get really down.

What would make me really happy? A stack of books, a window seat, and someone to love. I've got the first two. And I'm working on the third.

Chilli frenzy

I was food shopping in Waitrose today and I got this inexplicable urge for chilli. So I bought some chillis, some chilli sauce and some chilli-flavoured Ryvita snacks (crisps substitute). Weird. So I'll be eating chilli-flavoured food for the foreseeable future.

I did 30 lengths at the pool. I am REALLY proud of myself -that's the most I've ever swum in one session. I even took to thinking about my breathing and swimming style. I think the next step will be to buy a swimming costume. Don't get me wrong, I don't swim naked, I wear a bikini. Once I get paid I'll buy a swanky Speedo one and a pair of goggles.

Talking of nakedness, I get astounded by how some women wander around the gym changing room starkers. There was a girl just in a bra and thong drying her hair this afternoon, and another one completely naked standing in the middle of the room slowly drying herself. Don't get me wrong, I expect a certain amount of nakedness in the changing room, but my approach is to minimise that by getting dressed as soon as is practically possible. Not to parade around showing my bikini wax to all and sundry. Takes all sorts I suppose.

I went to a Brazilian restaurant last night, which was completely brilliant. There was a live band, drumming and capoeria. We were dancing on the benches! I'll definitely be back. I kissed a boy, which was really fun. We had a good ol' snog for ages. Yum.

Bye lovely lovely boss

It was my lovely lovely boss' leaving do last night. We got her some lovely presents and told some outrageous anecdotes for her leaving speech. Loads of people came, both past and present team members. She is so great all the time, but especially when she's drunk!!! I will really miss her, and told her so, several times.

There is a guy, T, who is not in my team but always seems to be there or thereabouts when we have a night out. He came over to talk to me last night just after I'd been told that I had lipstick on my teeth and I was ranting (as I do) about people not telling you about such things and out of nowhere he said "You look gorgeous." I was flummoxed and decided to keep talking just as if he hadn't said anything. That was the boldest thing he's ever said to me, as he's quite shy (but actually quite sweet.) So watch this space.

In other man-related news, not only did RW phone me out of the blue this week, but another ex, P, sent me an email. I still have immense guilt over this man as I said one of the worst things you can ever say to a man, at one of the worst times you can say it. He was so crushed I felt like the biggest bitch on earth. We limped on for a few weeks but I just felt so guilty all the time that it couldn't have lasted. I haven't replied to his email, as I think that no good can come of us being in touch again.

Being stood up this week was truly awful (although maybe it's karma for being rude to P) but I'm trying to stay positive. I've got a date on Wednesday with an Irishman, and I've also sent an email to a supercute guy I saw on the site this morning. So we'll see.

Stranded at the drive-in..branded a fool

I got stood up by Jez. I waited 20 minutes, realised he wasn't coming, then left. It's hard at times like this not to give up completely. I've sent him a text which says - "That's bad manners. A simple text to say you couldn't make it would have sufficed." He hasn't replied.

Whywhywhywhywhy are some men such arseholes?