Food and goodbye.

I have been reading recipe books a lot recently. I think this is because having an alcohol-free January makes me hungrier. But I have been doing low-fat recipes, including maple and orange chicken, (which is much less disgusting than it sounds), and aubergine bake. Also, I made sweet potato wedges, which were DELICIOUS and a complete revelation.

The things about food is, it's so easy to slip into bad habits and make bad choices. That's why I find planning so important. Tomorrow I'm having cereal and blueberries for breakfast, and mackerel and savoury couscous for lunch. For dinner I'm having chicken, sweet potato wedges and curly kale. And fruit and yogurt for afters. How very wholesome.

Rather annoyingly, I have got terrible dark circles under my eyes, despite sleeping very well and not having any nights out. Just one of the many things which are sent to try us in this life. I am feeling rather philosophical tonight. I deleted my profile off the dating site, which made me feel very empowered.

When I started this blog, back in May 2009, my aim was to keep a record of the efforts I was making to change my life - most obviously to lose weight and get fitter. And I'd say im 90% close to where I want to be - just a few more pounds and I will fit into the slinky snakeskin dress I bought in the January sales! I was looking back at some of my older posts tonight - I've been variously stupid, kind, sad, numb, excited, chilled out, nervous, and happy, but I've always been honest. It's been fun, for the most part. But I think it's time to go offline. This decision has been prompted by the fact that a colleague at work knows about my blog, which makes me feel inhibited about what I post. And where's the fun in that?!

Thanks to those who have commented, I'll continue to read your blogs!

Cheerio!

GallusBesom. xxxxxx

Exciting times

So today I went and had a chat with the recruitment agency about the job I'd applied for. I chatted to the lady for about an hour. She said at the end that she'd been worried I might be a geek (going by my cv) but that actually I was really nice and bubbly. I tried hard not to be mortally offended. So anyway, she's putting me forward for a first interview. If I got the job it would be completely amazing, so I'll give it my best shot.

I saw T in the canteen today (I saw him before he saw me) so, really maturely, I made sure I was deep in conversation with a workmate so that I didn't have to speak to him. I forgot to blog that, out of the blue, he sent me a really nice text on New Year's Eve, wishing me a fulfilling 2010 and hoping to see me soon. Bizzare. I replied in kind with a nice message which made clear how much fun I was having. But I am adopting a non-interventionist policy. He's going to have to speak to me first as my fingers are well and truly burnt. I know this sounds a little (a lot) pathetic but nothing burns as much as being rejected, and I am a sensitive soul. Although not a geek. It's official.

PS I'm flattered that STA think I'd be suitable to blog for them, but unless they want a big push on crabbit pale people trying to avoid the sun, I think I'll pass.

Philistine

I went to the Tate modern today and did not look at any of the exhibitions. Instead, I bought a diet Pepsi and looked out of the window at St Paul's Cathedral. For two hours. Two hours of thinking is not really a good idea. It leads me to all sorts of dark places. I am not really in good spirits, and I can't quite figure out why, there's no reason for it.

I got an STA travel guide to Australia to start thinking about where to go when I get there, and I just could not get excited about it. Why, when I've spent 24 hours (or more) on a flight, would I want to spend the next three weeks doing even more travelling around different parts of the country? I don't like beaches, I don't like countryside and views, and I don't like having to make smalltalk with strangers. So methinks one of those organised tours is most definitely not the way to go. My favourite holidays are city breaks, where I can wander round museums and shops, and go to nice restaurants. I really really want to go to Prague, maybe I should take myself off there for the weekend soon.

Resolutions

1. I will shop at Aldis for staple food, and Waitrose for treats only.
2. I will stay off alcohol in January (apart from the Burns night ceilidh.)
3. I will go to the gym 3 times every week, minimum.
4. I will work on my pokerface (my my my pokerface, my my pokerface...)

Lots going on at the turn of this year. I am going for lunch at one of Marco Pierre White's restuarants tomorrow, then heading down to a cottage in Kent for a few days. Then it's Soozle's wedding on Sunday. I bought a new navy dress, sequined jacket and snakeskin and suede shoes. I have also got myself a hotel room so that I can stay over after the wedding.

I am very at peace with my decision to stop looking for a boyfriend. Somehow the pressure is off. I will be spending the next few days in timberland boots and a fleece. Sexy.

Blessings

Count your garden by the flowers, never by the leaves that fall.
Count your days by golden hours, don't remember clouds at all.
Count your nights by stars, not shadows.
Count your years with smiles, not tears.
Count your blessings, not your troubles.
Count your age by friends, not years.

It's been a funny old day. I've cried quite a lot, over various things that basically boil down to me feeling inadequate. And that's just no good. I understand why - I'm ill, because I'm run down, because I run about all over the place meeting people and doing things. I have packed my case to go home tomorrow, and I've never wanted to see my family more.

But I am very blessed, because I am healthy, and I've improved my health and fitness a lot in the past 7 months. And I have a lot of lovely friends, who are kind and funny and cheer me up when I am down. And I have a good job, and a lot of fun with my colleagues.

I think 2010 is going to bring a lot of changes. I am looking for a new job, and if I get the one I've applied for, I might even be able to afford my own place. I'm also going to stop actively looking for a boyfriend, I think the universe is has been trying to tell me for a while now that I'm better off on my own.

Not well

I have been in bed for 17 hours. My body aches, as does my head, and my throat is sore. I don't have a temperature, which apparently rules out swine flu, but I think the chances of me making it to the hen night tonight are slim, which I'm really sad about.

My hair is greasy, but I can't summon up the strength to have a bath. I also have no appetite.

I have never made a good patient, I always feel very sorry for myself, particularly about the fact that there is no-one to look after me. I'm due to go home on Monday, so assuming I can make it onto the train, I'll be demanding a lot of tlc from my dear mum.

The problem with wearing your heart on your sleeve

is that it's easily bruised. T has been a bit of a shit, and now I feel like a dickhead. We didn't see each other at work on Friday, but I sent him a quick email, giving him my number and suggesting he call me at the weekend. I then got a text on Sunday night suggesting we go for coffee this week. Not exactly the response I was looking for. I can't believe that after he has flirted so much, he's now giving me the cold shoulder.

It's the office Christmas party tomorrow night. I will be wearing a short turquoise blue dress and very high platform shoes. I will knock his eye out, the rotter.

I think I must come across as too keen when I like someone.

Anyway, I have thrown myself back into exercise - went to the gym yesterday afternoon and tonight after work. 3 parties for the next three nights, plus Soozle's hen night on Saturday. Bring it on!

Well whaddya know...

Turns out my mentee was right, T and I are a couple......

I arrived at the pub after my haircut and highlights, and it was a right laugh. T was full of compliments as usual, telling me that I was looking very glamorous. There were lots of people there, and lots of funny chat. Anyhow, it got late, and T and I were stuck talking to a random guy that neither of us knew, who insisted on coming with us to the tube. I managed to whisper to T "How can we get rid of this guy" which I guess was a fairly big hint that I wanted it to be just him and I. I hadn't had any dinner, so T insisted that he should make some tea and toast. We got some bread from the shop and walked to T's flat. And he was in the middle of buttering the toast, and he just leant over and kissed me. And then we went up to his room to have our supper. I stayed over, although nothing (much) happened. Which is good. He is so great - tall, and strong, and softly-spoken, and kind.

So we'll see what happens.

Cooler than the red dress

So today I wore my slinky red dress to work, and as an afterthought I put a £1.50 primark scarf round my neck. Well! I got more comments about the scarf than anything. But I always think it's better to look good and therefore feel good. Perhaps I'd better stop eating monster munch crisps. I DO NOT want to put the weight back on.

Tomorrow is my haircut and mentee's leaving do. She's invited T and I (I think she thinks we're a couple.) It's all awkward as arse.

Right or wrong

I always do the right thing. I weigh up all the pros and cons, and worry what everyone else thinks, and then I do the right thing, the safe thing, the easy thing.

Right now, I feel like doing the wrong thing. Where's the harm in that?

All these things happened today

-I slept in for work.
-M made me cry with laughter at an email he'd sent.
- I anointed myself Elf-In-Chief for the Secret Santa draw
-I flirted massively with the new marketing guy. (He's gorgeous)
-I got stopped by a random man in the street. He said "Excuse me" and I stopped because I thought he needed directions, but then he asked where I was going and when I said "why" he said I was very attractive. I burst out laughing and walked away but was secretly chuffed.
- I had Dim Sum.
- The waiter accidentally spilt a drink down my back.
- I got £10 deducted from the bill.
- I had more drinks in the National Film Theatre Bar.

Not a bad Friday as they go.

It's beginning to feel a lot like...

CHRISTMAS!!! YEY!!

I went iceskating at Somerset House tonight. No broken bones or egos, always a bonus. I was so knackered afterwards that I didn't make it to the pub quiz (I actually fell asleep on the bus home.) Now of course I'm wide awake. I have spent the evening Chrimbo shopping on tinternet. (Does buying underwear for myself on Figleaves count?) I also bought Soozle's wedding present - a very snazzy kettle.

Another busy weekend beckons - Dim Sum at Ping Pong tomorrow night, then pilates (of course) on Saturday, and then I'm babysitting little G on Saturday night. She is an absolute darling girl, never happier than when trying on high heels and lipgloss. I'm going to miss her (and her mum) when they move to Italy.

Project "Get a boyfriend" is not going at all well. 5 dates, one of which was a no-show, 3 of whom were dullards, and 1 of whom was great but stopped texting. My membership of the site runs out next week and I won't be renewing. Honest to God, I had much more luck with men when I was a fatty. There is no justice in the world.

Bad memory

I have a really bad memory. I forget events and conversations, especially when I've been drinking. So tonight I was at a work event, and I had to have dinner with some randoms. And I am quite good at making smalltalk. I can chat shit with the best of them. But it turns out that I'd met one of them before, at a meeting I'd chaired about 8 months ago. I had forgotten. He had not. He said that he'd been really impressed by how incisive I'd been about the issues. That is the nicest thing. I do not regard myself as incisive. But I'm sure as hell telling my new boss that's what a "key stakeholder" said about me. Hell yeah.

I'm going iceskating with my team tomorrow. As for the pub quiz, I figure I'll probably rock up to the pub and hang out with T, and have a laugh, whereupon nothing will happen. And that's just fine with me.

John Simmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I really fancy John Simm. I saw him in a play tonight, which was ace. Also, rather excitingly, I was sitting 2 seats away from John Sessions in the audience. (Who is an obscure Scottish actor/comedian.)

I fancy lots of Scots actors - including - Peter Capaldi, Joe McFadden, David Tennant (obviously) Robert Carlyle, and Gerard Butler (gorgeous). There's nothing better than a gruff Scottish accent and a look in the eye which suggests devilment is more than a possibility, it's guaranteed. I'm going home on the 21st December, booked my ticket today - Bring on the boys!!!

I bought T a really tacky keyring to make him laugh over the key debacle. It was a hideous plastic doll with a union jack and fluffy red hair. He put it on his belt in the office bless him. He wandered over to my desk and we had a good old chat and I didn't even get flustered. He told me that he's organising a pub quiz on Thursday and I made him tell me some of the questions (and answers.) Now the question is, should I rock up at the pub? The thing is, I really like hanging out with him and we have a laugh together, and he's really chilled out. But I don't think I fancy him. I just think he'd be a really good mate. Bugger.

How to get yourself talked about

So, my mentee, who I've been coaching for job interviews, got a great new job. So we went out for a drink after work last night to celebrate. And it was lots of fun, and T turned up. (He's not stalking me, his team were in the pub as well.) And we had a right laugh in the pub, talking nonsense about favourite vegetables and reindeer. And for some reason, (I can't really remember why), he was waving about his keys, which I then whipped out of his hand and pretended I wasn't going to give them back, which included putting them in my handbag. Of course, I gave them back to him later.

Anyway, I ran into him at work today, just next to my desk, and he said (rather more loudly than necessary) that one of his keys wasn't on his keyring, and was it possible that it was in my bag? I checked and of course it was, so I went over to his desk and left it there. And now everyone in my team (and his team) thinks that we're sleeping together. And we haven't as much as kissed.

6 impossible things before breakfast

So today I was asked to do 3 improbable and incredibly stupid things. I cannot keep a straight face when faced with such madness. I rant, I rave, I laugh, loudly, about the inbecility of the questioner. That is not a successful strategy. Neither is remaining stony-faced when asked to wax lyrical about something I think is a piece of crap.

So my best strategy is devising an exit strategy, and fast.

I went out with a work colleague, M, for 2 glasses of wine after work. I do not fancy him, and I don't think he fancies me either, which is great, as I just enjoy having a giggle with him, talking crap and moaning about work. The best thing about him is that when he sent me an email setting out how he was going to chase someone on a request, I replied saying "I assume you mean in a Benny Hill style chase" and we then spent the whole day emailing increasingly funny scenarios of how that might pan out. And making one another splutter at our screens, although we sit about 3 feet apart. Boys are funnier than girls. Fact.

At the mercy of oestrogen.

I am not in charge of my life. My hormones are in charge of me. It's like an alien comes and sits on my shoulder and whispers poison in my ear. And I can't rationalise it. When I feel really low I can't accept that that isn't exactly how I deserve to feel.

I used to take the pill, primarily because I had terrible acne. And I had real lows - lows where you can't get out of bed, and are downright nasty to people you love. But now I know that wasn't me. I stopped taking it about 2 years ago and have been pretty much a different person. I still get spots, but quite frankly I'd rather have bad skin than a bad attitude.

But I still get sad, but whereas I used to inflict that on others, I just turn it on myself. But that's just as destructive.

Something's gotta give

I'm so bored. The last time I was this bored I changed cities.

Take That rock

I've just finished watching the Children in Need concert. Take That rocked the casbah, duetting with Lily Allen and Paul McCartney. Cheryl Cole also duetted with Snow Patrol, and was amazingly good. I really want to learn the dance she does to "Fight for this love" although I don't want to wear the harem pants....

I went to pilates this evening, and Paul said I am VERY GOOD. This makes me feel very smug. If I can get a waistline like his I'll be happy (it's like a 12 year old girl's......)

Minor pitstop

At the weekend I seriously contemplated phoning in sick to work for the week. I got over that slump, but I have decided to take tomorrow off as flexi/mental health day.

I used to love my job so much, but a few things have happened recently which make it much less exciting. I feel a bit like someone who's pushed a big stone to the top of a big hill and is now asking "Why the bloody hell did I do that?"

I'm going to push on through to Christmas and then re-evaluate. Out of everything I did today, the thing I most enjoyed was asking awkward questions of senior people on disability discrimination. I'm a bit worried that I might want to become a social worker. And everyone knows how annoying they are.