In which I am a drunken lush

It's all a bit weird. Basically, it is never good to hear yourself being talked about. I have a male friend, SG, who is lovely, if very immature (he is 23). I was at the pub tonight and I heard him trying to set me up with his mate, T. Call me old-fashioned but I don't like being offered as a piece of ass, so I wasted no time in pulling SG aside and having a massive rant at him.

I fancy so many men, but I never tell them. Maybe I should give SG a break.

Reasons to be cheerful

- our team came second-last in the pub quiz tonight.
- I got a bonus at work for the stuff I did on vaccination.
- I wore my pucci-esque shirt dress to work without it gaping open.
- it's payday tomorrow.
- just because.

Double super yey!

In which I am a shopaholic

Today I wore a suit to work that hasn't fitted me since 2005. It is a 10 in the trousers and a 14 in the jacket. Weirdly, I also came across the colour pallette I got given when I had my "colours done" at work in 2005. I am classed as "light" which makes sense as I have very pale skin which freckles a bit, burns easily and never tans. Turns out I do wear the right colours, as I have clothes in pretty much every colour in the grid. Also I remember one other piece of advice the style consultant gave me - as a curvy girl I should always choose rounded lapels and curved-toed shoes, never pointed collars or toes. I stick to this advice faithfully. My favourite pair of shoes (also my most expensive pair) are chocolate brown suede and patent leather Mary Janes by Moschino. They have an ankle strap and a curved toe. I love them, but I only wear them on special occasions - job interviews/ weddings. Maybe it's time to live a little and wear them randomly. It's always good to look down at your feet and smile, I reckon.

My favourite brands are, in alphabetical order:

Benefit (make-up)

Bravissimo (underwear)

Irregular Choice (shoes)

Nudge (Danish designers)

Oasis (all clothes)

Reiss (posh suits and frocks)

Also attached randomly above is a my favourite print by Tamara de Lempicka. I'm unsure how it got there and I can't seem to get rid of it so there it shall remain.

10 Things I wish I knew 10 years ago.

1. It is ok to give up on rubbish books. No-one gives you a medal for finishing them.
2. Don't worry about what other people think about you. They're too busy with their own thoughts to be thinking about you much in any case.
3. That the series of quite rubbish jobs will lead to a fantastic one.
4. If you exercise regularly you won't put on weight.
5. You will meet the best friend you can ever imagine.
6. Don't worry about change, everything will work out for the best in the end.
7. It is taking the pill which is making you sad, actually you're quite a happy person.
8. If a woman you know has recurring abdominal pain, and bloating, make her go to the doctors. Nag until she goes. Ovarian cancer is the 4th commonest cancer in women.
9. Take more risks, make more mistakes. It's not the end of the world.
10. Be kind to yourself.

Monday Monday

I'm just back from a rather weird gym experience. I was getting my formal induction and I'm fairly sure the fitness instructor was on drugs. She was exceptionally twitchy, distracted, and spoke very quickly without listening to me. It was my first time meeting her, so maybe she's like that all the time. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt, for now. Anyway, I did 30 minutes on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the cross trainer and about 5 minutes of weights. I don't really understand the machines so I felt like a bit of a dickhead. I think I'll stick to classes, you can watch other people to make sure you're doing it right.

I have been thinking about what I eat, and I'm actually worried that I might be slowing down my metabolism by not eating enough. For example today I had sultana bran with blueberries and skimmed milk for breakfast, an Innocent veg pot for lunch (which was SUPERdelicious) http://www.innocentdrinks.co.uk/things_we_make/vegpots/ and then chilli for dinner, made with extra lean mince. I think that's barely 1000 calories, and I then used up about 300 calories at the gym. But I'm not hungry, and I've got plenty of energy, so I'll keep going in that vein for a little while yet. I'm also doing very well on the not drinking front, haven't touched a drop since last Thursday.

The tickets for The Shawshank Redemption at Somerset House (outdoor cinema) arrived today. I can't wait. Though I'll probably blub like a baby in front of my workmates.

Bob the builder

I am sweating and, unusually for this week, it's not because I've been to the gym. I have single-handedly assembled an Ikea desk, chair and bedside table. I now have the coolest duck-egg blue desk/dressing table at which I can make like Carrie Bradshaw.

I was a very efficient Ikea shopper I must say. I made a list of what I needed, and then allowed myself to go over budget by no more than £50 on random "must-have" purchases (which included a new dinner set, an apron, a mirror, a vanilla candle, a table lamp and some clip frames). I then ate the obligatory meatballs (on which I'm blaming a VERY upset stomach last night - ugh) and came home. No tears, no tantrums.

Also, note to self, don't spend money on a manicure before you have to assemble flatpack furniture. Doh.

Yoga kills

I decided to take it easy today so I went to a yoga class at the gym. Big mistake! It was really tough and I basically am very unbendy. When doing side planks my arm was wobbling, and I definitely can't do head stands. The instructor was remarkable though - so flexible.

I'm going for my formal gym induction on Monday. I want to get some powerplate action as I've hear it is really good for weightloss. I think they'll put together a programme for me. It's exactly 2 months until I go to New York, so I'd really like to get to goal by then (9st 11lbs).
I've also got a 5k run on 6 September. If I could be 10st by then it would be amazing.

I also think I need to completely give up alcohol for the next 2 months, as it's just empty calories, and I've learned how hard it is to use up 200 calories on the treadmill. It's N's birthday party tonight, so this will be the first big test. I've been trying to find weightloss blogs, but most of the ones which come up on a google search are full of adverts for acai berry or green tea or similar bollocks. This much I know - losing weight is only possible by eating less and moving more.

Uh-oh

I am terribly hungover. The plan was to drink diet coke. The plan failed. It was a leaving do for S at work, who is off to have a baby. I had such a good time with my workmates. They are so lovely and funny, and they were so pleased to see me!!! SG practically rugbytackled me and everyone was telling me how well I looked after my holiday. Bless them. This is the happiest I've been at work, ever. I am on top of what I'm doing, I have lots of confidence and I basically have a laugh all day. And my boss is supergreat. I remember having a right chinwag with her last night, but I just can't remember what I was saying. Oh dear. Hopefully she won't remember either.

The gym continues to be great. Yesterday I did 25 minutes on the treadmill, 8 minutes on the stairmaster and 6 minutes on the exercise bike, then 10 lengths in the pool. I pretty much ache all over.

I have no plans for today, but it looks really sunny outside, so it'll be a good one whatever happens. Oh god I shouldn't be this chirpy with such a hangover!

Live your best life

...is the strapline for the Oprah magazine. I had a bash at it today when I had my perfect day off. I woke early and went to the Post Office to collect some mail. Then I had breakfast and went to the gym. I got shown round and decided to take out a 5 day trial membership. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, 10 minutes on the stepper, and then a Reebok Reps class (lunges with weights). Then I bought some lovely food at Waitrose, came home and had fish with salad for lunch. Then I had a manicure (I can't type properly for the lovely gel nails!) and then I went to the cinema to see "The Private Lives of Pippa Lee"and now I'm watching Sex and the City on tv. Perfect. I may never go back to work.

The gym is a ridiculous £95 per month, but I think it's worth it. It's much better than the other one I visited. It has billions of classes, a massive swimming pool, and STRAIGHTENERS IN THE CHANGING ROOM. Genius. When I was on holiday my hair was curly all the time. S and N kept telling me how nice it was, and that I should leave it that way when I get home. But I just can't do it. I just feel better with straight hair. I think it's a reaction to a series of spiral perms I had as a teenager that my hair has never quite gotten over.

So tomorrow it's the gym in the morning, meeting S and little G for lunch, then work drinks in the evening. Oh, it's just so exhausting being this relaxed dahlink!

Lovely lovely lovely

I had a perfectly lovely time on holiday. It was sunny every day, the beaches and sea were amazing, the villa was outstanding, and hanging out with the girls was great fun.

I've put on a few pounds mind you, better get back on it from tomorrow!

Looooser

I went to suss out a very expensive gym today. They were on the hard sell and tried everything to get me to sign up to £85 per month. I went to one of the exercise classes - spinning, which is where you cycle very fast as various levels of resistance. It was really really hard, everyone was dripping in sweat after 10 minutes. I managed to last half an hour then had to leave the class before I passed out. I felt like such an idiot. So I wasn't particularly inclined to sign up after that. But what really put me off was the lack of plug points in the changing room. Where would I plug in my straighteners?! So it's a no. I just want to find somewhere I can do some dance classes, maybe some pilates. I'll get back on it once I come back from holiday. (I'm taking my exercise dvds with me. Oh yes.

I have packed my bag, so I am feeling very organised and relaxed. Time for a bath, a pedicure and a sleep. I have packed 2 bikinis, lots of dresses and 7 books. Bring it on.

Disappointing books

I've just finished reading one of the books I bought to read on holiday. (I am incapable of not reading when I want to read.) It was called "Little Face" by Sophie Hannah. It has left me feeling disappointed as it was a great premise (a new mother swears her baby daughter has been switched with another child but no-one believes her) but let itself down by not fully developing the characters or explaining some of the plot. It has been a recurring feature throughout my life that I dislike books or films that don't have a satisfactory ending. So, for example, when Sam kept leaping in the last episode of Quantum Leap, or the last episode of "Life on Mars" when we found John Simm had been in a coma after all. My mum even tells me that when she read me "Little Red Riding Hood" as a child, and the end was "and she ran off home." that I kept asking questions; "where did she go, did her mum and dad meet her?"

One book I wasn't disappointed by recently was "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell. It is full of really interesting stories and theories about why certain people become exceptionally successful. Basically it boils down to having innate talent, which is nurtured by a supportive family, having a sense of middle-class entitlement(!) and a certain amount of good fortune. It says on the back of the book that it will encourage you to think about your own life story, and it has.

I taught myself to read by about the age of 4. When you think about it this is highly unusual. I was reflecting on it and had concluded it might have been helped by the fact that I had a dislocated hip as a child and was immobile, with both my legs in plaster, for about a year when I was 2-3. So that meant I did a lot of jigsaws, and had stories read to me. I also obsessively watched Sesame street, a show whose only purpose is to teach little kids the alphabet. (Apparently my mum and dad changed the time that we went to church on a Sunday because it clashed with Sesame Street!) But I was chatting to my mum about it and she said I was super-interested in books and jigsaws even before I had my hip operation. But I think it does align with Gladwell's theory; if I'd had parents who didn't buy me books and jigsaws, and didn't let me watch Sesame Street, then I wouldn't have learned to read so quickly.

I still think it's mad that I taught myself to read. Apparently the first my mum knew of it was when I told her that I wanted to watch a particular programme on tv, and she said she didn't know when it was on, so I showed her the tv listings page and pointed it out. Also I managed to almost give my granny a heart attack by reading a poem from her magazine aloud over her shoulder. I hadn't started school.

I still read books exceptionally quickly, in a few hours most of the time. But I still get annoyed by the rubbish ones. One of these days I'll put my money where my mouth is and write one myself.

"Ya dancer"

"Ya dancer" is a phrase used at home to express extreme delight. I have lost another pound, meaning I'm at my holiday target weight. I'm soooooo happy! It was so weird at the picnic yesterday, there was so much food - sandwiches, quiche, chicken, sausages, crisps. And I didn't want to eat any of it. So I ended up having cucumber and hummus, and a few crisps. I made up for it by drinking wine mind you. I also didn't win the cake-off, A triumphed with a cranberry and lemon cake which was delicious. Karaoke was great fun, I hogged the mic a lot, doing Wannabe, Super Trouper, I'm gonna be (500 miles) and a rather saucy duet with A.

I now need to get cracking with packing for my holidays. I remembered this morning that I haven't ordered any holiday money so I need to sort that out today.

YAY

2 lbs off -yippee! One more to go!

Tonight I am baking as we're having a cake-off at work tomorrow. I've made banana, honey and walnut cupcakes, and also vanilla cupcakes with raspberry icing. I've also got white chocolate piping and I'm going to ice each team members initials on a cake. Do you think I want to win?!

I can't believe my ex attack-snogged me last night. He'd spent the evening telling me about his on-off girlfriend and I kept telling him to make a go of it with her. Poor cow.

This weekend I'm going to a picnic on Saturday, and on Sunday I'm getting my highlights done. Tomorrow is my last day at work for a fortnight and we're having a picnic and going to karaoke. Last time we went to karaoke I woke up on the nightbus to Crystal Palace. I don't live in Crystal Palace.

edna the enebriated woman

Things that have happened since I've last posted:

I have shrieked at my weirdo housemate for coming home, sitting in his room all night only to emerge at 12.30am amd bang every door in the place. I believe my response invoked the phrases "jesus" and "motherfucker" so I'm guessing he got the picture.

My ex from Edinburgh attempted to snog me a million times. I am at home alone, well done me. He was properly desperate to come back to my flat. No no no.

Plateauing

Ohhhh maaaaan. I am so fed up of being the same weight. I have been trying sooo hard - not eating in between meals, not eating bread, or anything with fat in it. I haven't had a drink since Saturday, and even then I only had 3 glasses of wine. I've been exercising every day as well. And I'm not shifting an ounce. It's quite depressing. I have no idea what else to do.

Today I had branflakes with fruit and skimmed milk for breakfast, chicken salad for lunch and spaghetti bolognaise for dinner. I think that's really healthy. Maybe I could cut out wheat - just having fruit for breakfast, and salad with whatever protein I'm having for dinner. Sort of Atkins-y. Right, I'll try 2 days of that and see where I end up on Friday morning. Probably crying for a piece of toast. But hey look how good Jessie Wallace looks after losing 2 stone:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1197917/From-butch-Barbara-Cartland-svelte-starlet-How-Jessie-Wallace-shed-stone-weeks.html

Rainbow

I've been listening to Heat FM on digital radio (oh the shame). I like to think I'm listening ironically. But that's bollocks, I just enjoy cheesy music. Anyway, they keep playing "Baby I love your way" which was a reasonably big hit for a group called Big Mountain in the 90s. When listening to it I suddenly realised that the singer sounds like George from Rainbow. If I was better at t'internet I'd be able to post a sound clip. But I'm not, so you'll just have to take my word for it. And here is a lovely picture of George, who in many ways was the original Lady Gaga.

I did 40 minutes of my new dance dvd tonight (in addition to having done 40 minutes last night.) Only 7 days to go until Kefalonia so I'm going hell for leather to lose a bit more weight. It's just not coming off fast enough, even though I am eating superhealthily - lots of fruit and veg and salad, no bread, very little fat. I'm not sure what more I can do, short of lopping off a limb.

Mental accounting

So I spent £88 on some fancy luggage from John Lewis. I also bought my weekly shop at Waitrose. All I need now is a mortgage and I'm officially middle-class.

Apparently in savings theory there's something called "mental accounting." It means that we segregate expenditure in our heads; allowing us to save up for something whilst running up credit for something else. I do that a bit, but I'm also a bit "mental" about worrying about spending money on certain things whilst happily splurging on other things. So I don't worry at all about buying shoes, books, dresses and make-up, but I struggle to buy perfume (I think it's overpriced) or pay for massages or manicures (an extravagance). Similarly I don't own any expensive jewellery. The most expensive piece of jewellery I own is a mirrored plastic cinderella coach and horses by Tatty Devine that everyone I know thinks is tacky. I don't mind that it's tacky, it makes me smile.

Cooking by numbers

I went to a cooking lesson this afternoon, where I made salmon and haddock fishcake, thai green chicken curry, and raspberry cheesecake. I say made, but I should really say assembled, because all of the ingredients were sitting in little cases, ready for me to pat together as instructed. I was really disappointed, as I wanted to grind the spices together for my curry. Also I asked how they made the "cheese" bit of the cheesecake and it turned out to be from double cream and marscapone so I ended up giving it to M as I thought it would be too fattening. Also I fucked up the curry by adding the sauce when I should have put it in a separate pot. So all in all I paid £20 for 2 fishcakes I could have bought in Marks and Spencer for £1.50. But I had a really fun afternoon with M and L from work, we gossiped all afternoon about boys.

Tomorrow I'm going to get organised for my holiday by buying a suitcase and toiletries, and also by gutting my wardrobe and throwing out things I will never wear. I still have the numb feeling, I don't like it very much. I feel like I'm observing the world from behind a pane of glass.

So what.

So I got drunk and ate pizza. Sue me.

Too shy - hush hush

I love this song. Such bad hair!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3P6I4pT_tVA

Anyway, what made me think about it was the fact that I was struck dumb by seeing the lawyer at lunchtime today. He was having lunch with a bunch of his colleagues, as was I. I've fancied him since October and done sod all about it. I'm worried he'll think I'm a loooooser. One constructive thing I managed to do today was check out his hand - no wedding ring! So that's a bonus. It's not even as though he's stunning or anything - slightly balding, wears glasses, but of a stammer. What a hunk huh! But he was so smart and so lovely to me when we had to work together last year, and he gave excellent feedback on me to my boss. One of these days I will grow a pair and ask him out for a drink.

I also fancy a few "unconventionally attractive" famous men - Eddie Izzard, Alan Rickman, Henry from Ugly Betty, Ben Stiller and Jon Richardson. I've only met the last one and I refused to shake his hand because I'd just washed my hands and they were still a bit wet. He then asked me if my hands were wet because they were covered in piss. Obviously they weren't but I was highly embarrassed. I think on reflection Mr Richardson should come off the list...

Distorted vision

There are several reasons why I don't consider myself to be a fully functioning adult:
- I never have stamps or tissues when I need them.
- I own more tshirts with silly pictures on them than the average 5 year old
- I get ridiculously scared when I watch scary movies on tv and have to check all the cupboards in case someone is hiding in them.

Also I always run out of contact lenses at inappropriate times. I'm currently reduced to one left lens, so I'm mostly wearing glasses, which is helpful when it's 33 degrees and you need to wear sunglasses. But I am suffering from myopia in more ways than one. I feel fatter than ever, which is patently not true. I guess I'm spending so much time thinking about it, I'm losing perspective. I've set myself a mini-goal - to lose 3 lbs in the next 2 weeks (before going on holiday). But I also need to remember to be kind to myself. I realised I was sliding into the realms of madness yesterday when I was chewing then spitting out a piece of cake to get the flavour without the calories. Uh-oh, eating disorder alert!!!

I have a notoriously bad memory, but on reflection I think I got dangerously close to anorexia when I was about 14. My periods stopped for about a year, and I was skipping lunch at school then telling my mum I wasn't hungry when I got home. I was never emaciated but I was tired all the time. I think it was triggered by worry over my exams. I first really started piling weight on at university, and after graduating, when I was a solid size 16. Then I lost weight in 2000, 2002 and 2006. I really hope that 2009 is the last time I have to do it.